Home > Scripture Reflections > Trying not to avoid the problem

Trying not to avoid the problem

David and Bathsheba by Marc Chagall

Psalm 51:3 “I know my transgressions and my sin is ever before me.”

Ah yes, I know but do I admit I know! There are few occasions when I sin that am unaware of what I am doing.  Not that I don’t have my blind spots. But most of the time I know what I should do when I don’t and I know when I don’t do what I should do!  I am trying to be honest here but I am struggling to put this in words.   What does this reveal about me or reveal about sin and my avoidance of it?

Honesty is what is needed, brutal honesty, an admission of my own wrongness, an admission that I have sinned against God and against others.

I think I do okay when I am confronted with my sin–I understand God’s forgiveness and know how to appeal to him to appropriate his grace and mercy but my greatest issue seems to be recognizing when I have sinned, that i am wrong.  Why is that?

Is it because I have isolated myself and need more community? Well that would help but I can still deceive others and myself.  A few things that keep me from recognizing my sin:

1. Pride–I expect that everything flows from this sin.  Pride keeps me hiding my head in the sand with regard to my sin.
2. My pursuit of comfort and relief from pain keeps me dishonest about the way things are within.
3. Fear and shame keep me dishonest and in denial.  Somehow shame whispers to me to push aside the dis-ease I feel inside and hide.  Busyness is a one of the prime tools that I use to avoid dealing with the inner dark realities.  Noise in my life is another way I avoid dealing with stuff.

4. Continued exposure to God’s word. How faithful is God to speak to me in his word and through other people–his church.  He speaks straight into the heart of my self-deception–if only I will listen. Open my eyes and my heart Lord and give me courage to face the darkness within.

And so, it is no wonder that silence and solitude are wonderful gifts that God has given to me (us).  In silence and solitude, it is difficult for me not to be uncovered.  I must admit to God in the stillness and silence the true state of my soul.  I have no place to hide in the desert.

What keeps you from an honesty about your own darkness? And how have you experienced the grace of God in this journey?

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