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One of those cracked pot days

February 2, 2012 Leave a comment Go to comments

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I guess it was one of those cracked pot days. (2 Cor 4:7)

Someone recently told me, “David you have a need to be wanted.” A friend helped me to process the conversation and said to me, “In the context of that conversation, that was a vicious attack.” He encouraged me to see the hand of God in the wound.  Not that God is viscious or mean but even in the hurtful words, God was present with me.

My questions: Why? To what end? For what purpose?  Now those are questions that can’t be answered at this stage of my journey or maybe not ever.

Perhaps the most hurtful part of the discussion was the following comment, “David, you have a need to be wanted. And so I am not going to tell you that I want you.” Ouch!

A word given to me was, “Assyria is a rod in my hand.”  To punish/discipline but also as a reminder that God has not abandoned.  In the middle of the pain, God is there—what a challenge for me to see that—to believe that—to love that.

Back to needing to be wanted. Actually, I acknowledged that I do need to be wanted.  Just as I need to be loved.  David Benner says our longings, our desires are pathways for our journey with God.  He think he would say that intimacy with God is impossible without desire being present.

Here is a quote from Benner’s Soulful Spirituality,

Despite how it is sometimes presented, desire is right at the center of the spiritual life. A sense of obligation may sometimes be enough to keep you going to church, but only desire will keep you open to God and still seeking when your experience in church is filled with frustration and is irrelevant to your deepest spiritual longings. Guilt may be strong enough to motivate religious behavior, but only desire can lead you ahead on the spiritual journey. The absence of desire means the absence of spiritual life. 335

At age 56, I am much more aware of my own neediness than I was at age 23 or 32!  For that I am grateful.  I recognize the truth of 2 Cor 3:5, “who of us is capable of such things?” Not me, that is for sure. Not by my own strength and power.  My sufficiency is only found in the Lord Jesus! I possess a neediness, a longing for more that will not be totally fulfilled until I see the Lord Jesus face to face—the transformation that is currently in process will one day be complete (2 Cor 3:18; 1 John 3:2).

I am aware that much damage has been done in the name of ministry by people who are needy—who need to be wanted, liked and loved.  But I suspect the damage is done more by people who are unaware of their neediness or deny it.  I wonder if more damage has been done by those in ministry when they think that they have no needs!  So for today, gratefully I accept that yes, I am David, a man before God who needs to be wanted and loved and I am thankful that God wants me, loves me, has chosen me to be his beloved and has brought many people into my life who walk with me and are courageous enough to love me and walk with me on this faith journey.  Thank you God.

Here is a song that seems to express well my heart tonight.

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  1. doris
    February 3, 2012 at 3:49 am

    I don’t “like” this in the sense that it saddens me that you had such a difficult conversation. But I “like’ this because I appreciate your honesty, willingness to admit your neediness. And I too wonder if more damage is caused by those in ministry who can’t admit their neediness, than those who don’t think they have any needs, or who feel compelled to deny they have any needs. Thanks for sharing.

  1. February 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm

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