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Life practicum

In what I am sure purposely coincides with my team-teaching a class on missionary life and spirituality, I  have been experiencing the practicum called life.  Both the day of and the day after class last week, I was disturbed by my response to two completely different issues.  The first came after someone made a reference to “not wanting to be a mooch” as a missionary.   I think they thought they had offended me–not at all!  But, their words triggered something deep within me–a fear perhaps that I keep pushed down inside.

The second occurred when I spoke what I thought was the truth but not in a context of love.  As soon as I left the situation, I knew I was wrong and that I had hurt the other person.  Yes, I felt bad about that and knew I would need to apologize as soon as possible.   But, what I also discovered is that I dreaded my failure being known to my leader–I lived with a fear of the loss of his approval for almost an entire day until he told me that he was not made at me.  I think I expected, “How could you say such harsh and cruel things to someone like that?”  The other insight that came yesterday–I really don’t like it when I mess up and especially when I mess up in the same way over and over.  You see, I had mis-spoken in the same way about two months ago, my boss had to get involved and so this week I was living the same thing all over again.

To be honest, I beat myself up pretty good over the weekend.  Talking to my boss on Saturday night helped when I found he was not mad at me and it helped when I was able to apologize to the offended party.  But, I want to learn from this and I guess I can see some of my dark side oozing out here.  Disappointing but the grace of God is present and for that I am grateful.

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