Another book on forgiveness?

To be honest, I picked up The Process of Forgiveness by William Menninger because his name sounded familiar and on the back cover was written, “Going beyond Lewis Smede’s classic Forgive and Forget”   Now I am not sure he is beyond Smedes who is one of my favorites on this type of book but it was not a bad read.

A couple of useful things.  Useful chapters on the “Stages of Forgiveness.” Since I have studied a bit about the enneagram, his nine chapters on the challenges of forgiveness for each of the nine enneagram types was unique.  Ends with chapters on lectio divina, compassionate meditation, centering meditation and focusing.

Where our enemy cries

Not that I have too many enemies but there are a few people with which I have had some disagreements of late.  This quote from Brennan Manning helps me to see I need to adjust where I am looking.

“The heartfelt compassion that hastens forgiveness matures when we discover where our enemy cries.” 69

Forgiveness lies at the heart of our civilization

My wife pointed me to a long, complicated (for me) and wide ranging article by Roger Scruton, ” Forgiveness and Irony” in City Mag. Scruton is warning about an abandonment in today’s western cultures of our Christian roots.  Forgiveness and irony are two “gifts that we have received from our Judeo-Christian tradition.”  I dont quite understand what he means by irony but a few of his comments on forgiveness are worth quoting.  Scruton writes

The first of these gifts is forgiveness. By living in a spirit of forgiveness, we not only uphold the core value of citizenship but also find the path to social membership that we need. Happiness does not come from the pursuit of pleasure, nor is it guaranteed by freedom. It comes from sacrifice: that is the great message that all the memorable works of our culture convey. The message has been lost in the noise of repudiation, but we can hear it once again if we devote our energies to retrieving it. And in the Judeo-Christian tradition, the primary act of sacrifice is forgiveness. The one who forgives sacrifices resentment and thereby renounces something that had been dear to his heart.

The West’s democratic inheritance stems, I would argue, from the habit of forgiveness. To forgive the other is to grant him, in your heart, the freedom to be. It is therefore to acknowledge the individual as sovereign over his life and free to do both right and wrong. A society that makes permanent room for forgiveness therefore tends automatically in a democratic direction, since it is a society in which the voice of the other is heard in all decisions that affect him. Irony—the recognition and acceptance of otherness—amplifies this democratic tendency and also helps thwart the mediocrity and conformity that are the downsides of a democratic culture.

Forgiveness and irony lie at the heart of our civilization. They are what we have to be most proud of, and our principal means to disarm our enemies.

What do I need to do in order to forgive?

Final quote on this topic out of van Breeman’s The God Who Will Not Let Go.

• Whoever really wants to forgive has to come down from his throne. 127
• In order to forgive in freedom and love, we need inner truthfulness and a good amount of humility. 127
• Forgiveness is both a decision and a long process. We cannot do it all at once. We have to forgive many times before our heart becomes truly free. 127
• We must be willing and courageous and tenacious enough to forgive time and time again. 128
• Three phases to forgiveness

1. A Fundamental willingness to forgive

2. Desire to forgive grows, but it all takes place in our intellect and will power; the heart is not yet tuned in.

3. Forgiveness that really comes from the heart, in which bitterness disappears and we become much more transparent. 128

• All three phrases are grace. On our own strength, we are not capable of really forgiving, especially if it concerns deep hurt. 128

Why is forgiveness so hard?

Consider the following quote from Peter van Breeman

Something in us wants to hold on to our pain and our justified bitterness.  It is like a dark treasure that we wrongly consider to be precious.  We cherish it.  The other has been unfair and unjust to us.  We dwell on it. .  .  .We nurture the gloomy mystery of our pain and bitterness with a kind of addiction that wrecks havoc.  Indeed, in this way we destroy our own life and ruin our happiness.” 125

It does not matter how much teaching we have received or even given on forgiveness.  It is never easy to forgive.  If forgiveness does not cost us something, I wonder if we really needed to forgive or if we truly have forgiven.  Every time I am tempted to hold onto my hurt and withhold forgiveness, I remember that I am not punishing the other person but myself.  Maybe forgiveness is so hard because it costs us so much.