Spilt water

To understand this post, you need to know that I am currently making my second attempt towards completing a Doctor of Ministry degree. I am now almost at the point where I was about 10 years ago–with all coursework completed and working on my dissertation proposal.  About ten years ago, my study flooded (another story since we lived on a hill!) and all my dissertation documents were soaked.  I am not saying that led to me not completing my dissertation but it accelerated the decline in effort so that a few years later I was removed from the program.  And now for my post for today.

When I saw the water

Flowing over the edge of the desk

Onto the floor

And being absorbed by the pages of my notes

A feeling of dread came upon me

And I remembered another flood

One that erased the lines typed on the pages

Along with the last glimmers of hope

Has this project become too important to me?

As I saw the water, my anger poured out

And it seems that I am

Wanting to blame someone

For the frustration of this project

For my lack of self-discipline

Anything to avoid the hidden fears

That maybe I cannot do this again

That I don’t want to fail again

Confronted with the possibility of failure

I grow afraid

And want to withdraw, hide deep inside

Or escape to places and times where there is no fear

Where I can relax and just be

The child of God You created me to be

Why not now?

Here?

In this place?

I don’t want to admit that the fingers of my heart

Have been groping and clinging to these

Wet notes and ideas rolling around in my head

Yet I must see clearly

Before I can let go

And be set free

My best is connected to God’s will

Reading this morning in Psalm 94 and Luke 12:22-34.  Because of what has been happening of late, I spent some time reflecting on Ps 94:18

I felt myself almost slipping and your unfailing love, Oh YHWH supported me

When doubts filled my mind your comfort gave me

Renewed hope and joy

The slipping and doubt are the parts that connect with me. As someone emailed me this week, “Sounds like you may be starting to push the envelope a bit again and are definitely under attack.  A bit worn down, not feeling well, busy schedule, interpersonal challenges, personal attacks…..slow down, focus on God.”

Then I came to Lk 12:22-34-actually, my reading for yesterday that I didn’t read yesterday—too busy!!!

Some questions I asked

1. What do I worry about?
2. Why do I worry?

What should I do when I begin to worry?  Remember

1. I am valuable to God v24
2. Worry does not change anything
3. What I worry about is often (always?) connected to what I fear. Sooo, I need to face my fears.
4. Make the Kingdom of God my primary concern.  Is God’s agenda or mine more important today? What I value occupies my heart and thoughts.
5. Be generous with others-when we release what we hold onto so tightly, we find freedom.

I thought of the words of Abigail to David in 1 Sam 25:29

“Even when you are chased by those who seek your life, you are safe in the care of the LORD your God, secure in his treasure pouch.” NLT  but in the NIV, “. . . the life of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of the living with the LORD your God.  He shall sling out, as from the pocket of a sling.”

Some conclusions

1. I do NOT need to protect myself
2. It is NOT all up to me and it is NOT all about me.
3. GOD is in control.  GOD cares for me.
4. I can relax and stop worrying.
5. I can abandon myself to His will.

Fear of the mystery

Lovely thoughts from Thomas Merton, Nov 4 from A Year with Thomas Merton

This morning, I was preparing . . . in the woods as usual.  It was cold but the sun came up and melted the frost.  It was quiet except for the crows.  I sat on an old chair under the skinny cedars, with my feet in the brown, frosty, grass, and reflected on the errors of my monastic life.  They are many and I am in the midst of them.  I have never seen so many mistakes and illusions.  It should be enough that God loves me.  For His love is greater than anything else.  It is the beginning and end of all.  By it and for it all things were created.  Yet, outside of His love, I am tempted to erect a cold house of my own devising–a house that is small enough to contain my own self, and that is easier to understand than His incomprehensible love and His providence.  Why is it we must be afraid of Mystery, as if the Mystery of God’s love were not infinitely simple and infinitely clear? Why do we run away from Him into the dark, which, to us, is light?  There is the other mystery of sin, which no one understands.  Yet we act as if we understood sin and as if we were really aware of the love of God when we have never deeply experienced the meaning of either one.”

What does it mean to live by faith?

I don’t know about you but I am not exactly sure what it means for me to live by faith.  I guess it will be different for all of us but I wonder if all those who walk by faith do share certain characteristics.    Spent the morning in Hebrews 11 and I find it to be a challenging chapter.  It goes well with my Psalm for the week–Psalm 89, on the faithfulness of God.

One very small thing I have done in the last few weeks that seems to be producing positive returns is making sure that I read my Bible first thing in the morning.  It is not that I have not been reading my Bible in the morning but it is the order of my Bible reflections.   Until recently, when I would get up, I would make my coffee and then while drinking my first cup of coffee, I would check emails, check the baseball scores, how the market did overnight and maybe even my blog.  Then, I would read.  For me, I had it reversed.  It seems that my appetite for being “connected” has dwarfed even my relationship with God.  And, I really am not one of these 24/7 connected kind of guys.

After a few weeks, I find that most of the time, I am less distracted than before.  That first step to meet with God is all crucial and once it is made, God does the rest.  Actually, he is the one who arouses the desire in me to meet with him–sort of like, “we love because he first loved us.”  I admit that one day I did open up the computer first, “just for a minute,” but for the most part, this has been a good thing for me.  I know how easily this could slide into legalism and so will need to be aware of that–the warning sign of that is when I begin thinking that my pattern should be followed by others and find myself secretly judging them or feeling pride about my spiritual practices.

Since I had decided what I was going to write on this morning, I checked the internet before blogging to see how the market did last night (Monday in U.S.) and was not totally surprised to see a huge drop.  So, here is a good first case study on what it means to live by faith.  I wonder if the market volatility has revealed to some of us where are heart really is–”where your treasure is, there is your heart,” said Jesus?  What a great opportunity for those of us who call ourselves believers to not live in fear and anxiety about possible market collapses.  Why?  Because we trust that “God exists and is a rewarder of those who seek him.” (Heb 11:6)  Because we admit that we truly are strangers and aliens on this world and we are looking forward to to a home God is preparing for us (11:14), “one that cannot be shaken!” (Heb 12:28)

Comments, reactions?

Fear and Faith part 2

A focus on faith by Luci Shaw in The Crime of Living Cautiously

“Faith is really taking the risk of moving, when God calls me, into the realm of the unknown and unseen and only dimly understood. It means that I may have to give up my closely held control of my life and destiny, my fate and my future—a thought alarming enough to keep some of us from moving at all.” 49

“Faith is a widening of the imagination. Imaginative faith takes off the blinders, moves beyond pinched, linear thinking into the wide, unfathomable possibilities into which the Holy Spirit invites.” 52

“Because ignorance is often considered bliss—it seems better not to know bad news, . . . too many of us guard ourselves from a potentially painful truth.” 54

“Every hour we walk into unknown territory, sometimes as threatening to our faith as the den of lions . . . For some it may mean moving into a wilderness of the spirit, where doubts and despairs besiege us . . . I’ve learned from experience in such a time I am being called upon to wait, and in the waiting God will send me the gift of his presence again. I learn a lot as I wait, and my watchword in this unknown and fearful territory is continue to be faithful and obedient.”

“When beauty and risk interact, an almost unspeakable dynamic is released. I want the Holy Spirit to be the “something that grabs me,” so that I too am eager to yield to the impulse to push the life of faith and the life of the mind to extremes. I trust that as I let go and free my imagination to be informed by God’s cosmic meaning, I too will experience those “possibilities of unexpected beauty.” 56-57

Fear and Faith part 1

Luci Shaw in The Crime of Living Cautiously talks about fear and faith. The following deal with fear:

“Denial of fear is as foolish as fear itself. It is never courage simply to deny that we are afraid. Fear is part of human nature and experience; to deny it is to deny being human.” 47

“Bravery is only as brave as the strength of the fear it must overcome.” 48

“The principle to be followed is feel the fear, but do it anyway. Run the risk of looking foolish should you fail. Shoulder aside the fear, as you would a curtain in a doorway as you pass through.”

Is this honoring to God? It is, if it is done in obedience to Him.” 48

What motivates our risk-taking? I may be motivated and moved toward risk by the desire to prove myself, or to be a star, or to make my mark, or to show my superiority to my friends who are warier of hazard than I am. If that is true, I may be entering the dangerous arena of personal obsession with power.

Have we learned to distinguish between wise fear (facing real danger) and false fear (personal insecurity)? . . . Have we recognized that risk is a means, not an end?” 49

Acknowledging my desires

Disappointment or fear of disappointment really squelches desire! As I am preparing to teach on silence and solitude, I have been skimming through Ruth Barton’s Silence and Solitude. In the following passage, she talks about the importance of acknowledging our desires. For a long time, I was afraid to look within, not sure what I would find. Maybe I was afraid to be alive? Silence and solitude are now an important part of my journey and within these practices, I have found the truth of the following words. Enjoy.

“Many of us are not very good at acknowledging our desire. As Christians we tend to be skeptical and suspicious of desire, for it is easily controlled; experience tells us that desire can be like a quiet little campfire that sparks a forest fire engulfing the whole forest. What if I let myself feel my desire and it gets out of control? What if I begin to desire things I can’t have? How do I live with the pain of unfulfilled desire?

Depending on our experience of wanting things and then receiving them, or not, we may harbor deep-seated fear that we will not get what our heart desperately wants. It can be frightening to allow ourselves to want something we’re not sure we can have, especially if it is something as essential as the presence of God in our lives. In many of us, the fear of not getting what our heart longs for has led us to develop an unconscious patter of distancing ourselves from our desire in order to avoid the pain of its lack of fulfillment.

But the truth is that desire is the life-blood surging through the heart of the spiritual life. You may not realize it but your desire for God is the truest and most essential thing about you. It is truer than your sin, it is truer than your woundedness, it is truer than your net worth, your marital status or any role or responsibility you hold. Your desire for God and your capacity to connect with God as a human soul is the essence of who you are.

Right in the very center of our desire for God is God’s desire for us, pulsating with love and longing. When we feel our desire, we are actually responding to God, because he has already initiated with us.” 50-51