Signature Sins: Anger

Here is the next signature sin from Michael Mangis–anger! Once again it has many different forms.

An inordinate or inappropriate anger is directed at selfish and mundane matters.  The antidote to anger is dependent on the source of the anger. If control is the problem, then we need to surrender, if criticism is the problem, then we need humility, if rage is our issue then we need peace etc.  Mangis gives five different forms of anger.

Resentment: a refusal to accept God’s will and a refusal to move on. Responds to forgiveness and release.

Pugnacity: being combative, quarrelsome or rude; sees and assumes the worst in every situation.  Responds to graciousness or tact

Retaliation: refuses to forgive and seeks vengeance on those who have done wrong.  Needs pardon

Paranoia: anticipates the worst.   Met with trust

Obsequiousness: inordinate rejection of anger and a refusal to take responsible dominion in the world.  Although I didn’t write down what Mangis said, I would guess the need here is self-awareness and honesty.

Not responding in anger

I appreciate Michael Hyatt’s words on what to do when we receive that unfair email or text message or . . . Happened to me last week!  Hyatt says the next time he gets angry or frustrated:

1. I will pause before responding.
2. I will give myself time to cool down.
3. I will not write anything in anger.

His full post is worth reading.

In another post Hyatt suggests the use of the following ten words, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”

I think as Hyatt notes that it is the combination of all of these words that makes for an effective apology when we mess up, as I do frequently. Unfortunately, I don’t see this being practiced too much in our organization.  Then again, I have yet to read Five Languages of Apology!

Anger, pain and men

I have tried to be honest about my journey with depression over the past few years.   But, as I have written in other places, beneath a lot (but certainly not all) depression lies anger.  And being honest about my own anger has not been nearly as easy to admit and discuss with people.   Not that I should be talking about it with everybody.

Indeed my personal journey with depression (sounds kind of strange–like depression has been my friend) has often been intertwined with anger.  By being willing to talk about my own struggles with depression, others have been willing to admit their own depression and talk about it a little.  It gives me no joy that there are so many men out there fighting the dark cloud but it is encouraging to know that this battle is not one anyone needs to fight alone.  And it does bring me joy when my friends begin to get help to climb out of the despairing pit.

I suppose that normally anger seems to come before depression.  And according to David Benner, anger comes out of an experience of pain or an experience of loss.  So, the real challenge is for men to talk about not just our depression and anger but also about our pain and losses.  And that is where it gets tough doesn’t it?

What got me going on this topic is an article that my dear wife sent me,  an article by Anthony Bradley in World Magazine titled,  “Do Men Hurt?” Bradley writes,

Sadly, for many men, pain is often dismissed, ignored, or confused with sin. Many men do sinful things not out of a rebellious spirit but to self-medicate real pain. We all find ways to deal with pain, and sometimes it opens the door for sin.

Reminds me of a post I made about a book I real last year by Terrence Real,
I don’t want to talk about it,

One reason so many men face depression is that they do not face or deal well with the pain in their lives–often leading to addictive behavior to cover up the pain.

Pretty sensitive areas to discuss in a small group, eh?  The problem is that for too many of us, there is no safe place,  not even the church!  Not that I am down on the church–don’t misunderstand me.  Its just that the church seems to rarely be the place it could be.  For more on that, read Larry Crabb’s excellent book, The Safest Place on Earth. Here is more from Bradley on this topic.

Many churches do not provide safe space for men to confess being in need of healing (Luke 4, Isaiah 61) due to the hands many men have been dealt, sins committed against them in the past or present, their own addictions, confusions, passivity, anger, and so on. As a result, we have churches full of unhealed and wounded men who often medicate their pain in secret or take it out on their wives, children, friends, and co-workers. The dysfunctional cycle of self-medication creates even more generational sin and pain.

Anyway, I am finding this post to be a healthy challenge for me to think about my own openness–how much am I willing to share about my pain with others? What am I hiding?  And, how am I doing in creating safe places for men who need to talk about their pain?  I know it means that I have to think about ME less, make myself more available to build relationships of trust.  Likely, it means that less may very well be more in the long run.  And as Bradley exhorts in his article, all of us need to remember that it is only relationship with the Triune God that can bring the healing that we need.

Want to end this post on a positive note and so here is a vision that Bradley gives worth praying towards.  Again, the link to his entire article.

I look forward to the day in ministry contexts where I hear stories of men growing up in churches who were able to get help early because it was a normal way the church loved their men.

Anger: Most excused behavior among Christians?

As I mentioned yesterday, Michael Spencer, the IMonk, linked this week to a two of his old posts on anger. Here are some quotes from his second post I wanted to mention, made on April 26, 2006. Reflects some of my own thinking on the topic. Thanks brother.

“Anger must be among the most excused of behaviors among Christians.”

“We’re reluctant to deal with this problem. It’s “excusable” and we expect that others will see it as a common failing. In fact, we need to have people in our lives who can confront us with the details and the effects of our anger. We need to be rid of the notion that our anger is not affecting other people. We need to admit that it is a perception of a threat, and a response to a threat that is often wrong on both counts. We need to look at our anger as others see and experience it- particularly children and observers. A video tape would be embarrassing, but it might do us all a lot of good.”

“If there is any area where we all need to help one another to do a general repentance and walk a better way, I believe anger would be a good place to begin.”

Anger management or repentance?

In reading IMonks posting of April 26, he provided a couple of links from previous posts he had made about anger. Very interesting and they deserve a link. In one from April 29, 2006 called, Anger: What Can I Do?, he challenges us to consider Paul’s exhortations in Colossians 3:5-13 in relationship to anger. Spencer writes in response to this passage, “The majority of the rational, willing acts of changed behavior are within the choices of all of us who have the capacity to comprehend the language of scripture.” My initial reaction was to ask where is the Spirit of God that leads us to repentance? Paul is telling us to make choices here to “put off” and “put on” as he does in a similar way in Eph and ? I don’t want to diminish the power of our choices to bring about change but at the same time, I don’t want to depend upon my power to make those choices and to live the life of the Spirit. I suppose this is where “divine-human cooperation” comes in which Gary Thomas wrote about so well in his book, The Beautful Fight–very attractive to me what he writes–perhaps that is why I made so many posts about his book.

I so like what IMonk says next in his post on anger.

“These choices are made in the context of seeing ourselves in Christ. Paul addresses anger as one of those things that should be renounced in the old life, and replaced with the virtues of the Spirit. These are choices made in the community of Christian disciples, seeking to help one another along the path of life in Christ. These are changes saturated in worship, prayer and honest relationships. We are pursuing all the implications of belonging to Jesus Christ in a new world on the other side of his resurrection. This is a community project, a spiritual project, a Biblical project.”

He then makes six comments about anger that are well worth your time to read in full.

1) Anger is often one of the “icebergs” of the human personality. We have to find what is under the surface, and not just deal with the last blow-up.

2) Every Christian man needs to be in an accountability relationship/group where his life story can become part of how other men help him see his own behavior.

3) Truthful, responsible restitution is important.

4) Anger often dwells in patterns; often in trigger behaviors that cause us to react far beyond the rational.

5) Many of us are quite aware of why we are angry, but we can’t be honest about it.

6) As I said, consultation with a doctor or counselor is a wise choice.

7) Read Andrew Lester’s books on Anger and the Christian. Very helpful. C.J. Mahaney on humility won’t hurt you either.

There are a lot of guys out there with anger issues–from my observation, we are often reluctant to share what our anger looks like inside our family with other men and if we do, the other guys mumble something about relating to the “anger” thing but how often are we willing to walk together with one another.  In my own case, it took me a loooooong time to see that I was angry and then once I realized my anger, it has been a longer journey addressing the underlying causes.  I could not have done that without others and am now able to see more easily my own anger.  However, at the moment, I find myself quite isolated and wonder if there is anyone in my life right now that knows me well enough to see when I get angry (besides my wife), much less who will speak to me about it.  How sad and how wrong.

Lust and anger

Allender in his seminar showed us how lust and anger are related in Mtt 5:21-28. He shared with us about the need to acknowledge sin in our world. Two key related sins—lust and anger

• Lust is desire gone mad
• Lust is demanding that you have a husband, children, job, money NOW
• Whenever desire becomes a demand, we have lust
• Every lust is an effort to fill a core emptiness in us that we demand to be filled NOW!
• Anger is a form of vengeance
• Anger is making someone else suffer for your emptiness
• Mtt 5:21-28 describes our universal struggle with lust and sin. If we don’t admit our sin, there will be hurt

Why it is so hard to control anger

For some time, I have wanted to read Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence. Pulled it off the shelf a few weeks ago and have been reading it. Surprisingly, it is not as easy a read as I thought it would be. He goes into the physiology of emotions and with a biology background, I did find that interesting. Perhaps in his second book, he gets a little more practical. But, when he began to describe what happens in the emotion of anger, I had to do a post on it. This helps me to understand why it is such a great temptation for me to hold onto my anger and not forgive someone! Anger is one way we men to to deal with depression–we try to get control of our circumstances and that usually involves anger.

Anger is the mood people are worst at controlling. Indeed, anger is the most seductive of the negative emotions; the self-righteous inner monologue that propels it along fills the mind with the most convincing arguments for venting rage. Unlike sadness, anger is energizing, even exhilarating. Anger’s seductive, persuasive power may in itself explain why some views about it are so common: that anger is uncontrollable, or that, at any rate, it should not be controlled, and that venting anger in “catharsis” is all to the good.

what to do with anger

Are emotions neutral?  If I believe that anger is a secondary emotion, hurt the primary emotion and hurt usually occurring because there is a loss of something, what do I do with my anger?  My tendency, historically, has been to stuff my emotions, which is not healthy.  Neither is it  appropriate (or healthy) to  express my emotions with disregard for others.  If I cannot control (as in determine whether or not they occur) my feelings, what do I do with them?

While we are taking a few days off, I asked my wife about this–in our relationship.  This may not work in all relationships.  She wife suggested that we need to evaluate how important the hurt is and if it is important then we should tell the other person, lest it eat us up inside and grow to something bigger–spread to bitterness.  Certainly, Mtt 18:15 would agree with this since we are to go to our brother if has sinned against us (Mtt 18:15).  Of course we are to forgive him (or her) for an unlimited number of offenses (490 times in Mtt 18:21-22) and forgive even if they have not asked for forgiveness.

But most things are not that important in and of themselves and can and should be overlooked.  Luke tells us that we are to pray for those who mistreat us (Luke 6:28).  We are to bear with one another’s burdens–look past their faults Col 3:13 and Eph 4:2  (see also Romans 12:10, 16) In Mk 11:25 as we pray, we are to forgive “if you hold anything against anyone”.  Okay, but how do I do this without being dishonest about feelings–ie stuffing them.  My wife said what she has been doing is to use the small hurts as an opportunity to pray for others.  So, when I fail to put the dishes away, she thanks the Lord that I am eating and that we have food.  When our children do not respond to us when we want to talk with them,  she expresses gratitude to the Lord that we even have children and prays for whatever might be bothering them.  You encounter a bad driver and pray for the stress they are undergoing that causes them to think they have to get somewhere so quickly! So, she is not denying the feelings of frustration or irritation but is using them as opportunities to practice the presence of the Lord moment by moment.

I will be working on this in the coming days and suspect that I will have many opportunities before I get home!

On anger

Reading over Mark 11:15-19 where Jesus was angry at the temple being used as a market place.   Some observations:

• His anger was carefully considered.  The day before he had gone into the temple and looked all around (11:10-11).  Then, the next day when he arrived, he knew what needed to be done.  In this context, his cursing of the fig tree on the way to the temple is more problematic.  If this story was about me, I would say that I had seen something the night before and in the morning I woke up and was angry and ready to do something about it.  Had the unfortunate fig tree happened to be on my way and not met my need for figs, if I had the power, I might have blown it away too.  But, of course, this is Jesus, who never sinned and his anger was holy and pure.  Unfortunately, that is so far from my own anger.  Yesterday, I became angry twice.  More on this later.

Powerlessness

Being powerless is supposed to be good for me

but it sure feels lousy.

helpless

nothing i can fix

left with prayer as my last resort

loving the sinner not the sin

falling on my knees before you

Anger is supposed to be bad

but sometimes it brings me comfort

as if my anger can bring

enough pain to you to bring about

change.

After awhile, I look inside and

see the darkness

threatening to overwhelm me.

Why didn’t I?

What if?

What bad decisions have I made?

Will I ever learn?

My doubting threatens to

flood my soul like the

floodbanks of the Missisissippi.

guilt lounges on

the edges of my consciousness,

never quite going away,

yet not able to take control.

So the only option left is to let go.

let my troubles fall

out of my hands,

into a chasm of unknowingness.

and yet out of the same icy depth,

a delicate fragrance of hope arises.

will things change?

I don’t know but it’s okay.

I am changed, you remain the same.

so, I can go on another day,

trusting, holding onto you,

clinging as if my life depends on you.

because it does, it always has,

only I forget my own desperation

for you.

powerlessness serving as my reminder

Of Lost and forgotten books

This week I received a long lost book back from a friend and was delighted. Free at Last by David Benner is one of the most helpful books I have read over the past few years, one of which I have made a number of copies and given to friends (as far as I can tell it is out of print and not available anywhere). He has helped me understand the pain of my own emotional woundedness and makes some valuable suggestions in the movement towards healing.

I just flipped open a page and saw these notes I made from his book. When we are emotionally wounded, there is often a sense of loss which bring feelings of vulnerability, sadness, aloneness, abandonment and isolation. Healing of these losses comes through grieving. We must grieve our losses in order to leave them behind. When we fail to face these wounds (losses), we may experience anger and depression, guilt and anxiety. I wrote down in the margin, “I do not grieve my losses well.” Worth a read.

I also received back another book I had loaned out, Wounds that Heal by Stephen Seamands. My friend asked me if I had written a review of the book since it was in conjunction with one of my classes at Asbury Seminary. So, I found it and ended up posting my reviews of all the books from my Theology of Minstry class. Perhaps they will give someone a hunger to read one of them or my journey through these books will encourage honesty in the journey of others.

FYI, I know there are some typos and editing that needs to be done on these reviews, my apologies to the English teachers out there.