Difficult people

We all have what Gordon McDonald describes as VDPs–very draining people.  I think he said that we have to guard against VDPs robbing us of our spiritual passion.  But is it possible that these VDPs or “difficult” people may be used by God to do a deeper work in us?  To be honest I don’t like the idea but I was reminded of it twice this morning and so I figure that I better pay attention. And not surprisingly, this comes at a time when I may need to deal with one of those “difficult” persons.

First from Letters from the Desert by Carlo Carletto, (bold type is my own)

“Yes, I must go beyond justice. To triumph over the sickness of victimization, I must go beyond it. Like Jesus and in imitation of him I must wearily climb against the slope of my pain, and throw myself courageously in the descent towards my brothers and sisters, above all towards those whom the short-sightedness of my sick eyes sees as the cause of my evils.

There is no other solution.  There is no true peace and union with Jesus without it.  As long as I waste time defending myself, I get nothing done and I am not truly Christian; I do not know the depths of the heart of Jesus.

To forgive, really forgive, means convincing ourselves deep down that we merited the wrong done to us.  What is more, it is good to suffer in silence.”

Second reading this morning came from Oswald Chambers,The Message of Invincible Consolation in The Love of God, written between 1924-1930. He is discussing the great passage at the end of 2 Cor 4:16-18. Bold print is again mine.

The perishing of the outward man is not always indicative of old age.” 80

God enlarges us on the inside, not externally. . . No matter how wearied or expended the body may be in God’s work, there is the winging of the inner man into a higher grasp of God.

The very thing which is an affliction to you is working out an eternal weight of glory.84

Self-pity is taking the wrong standpoint. And if self-pity is indulged in, before long we will take part in the decaying thing instead of that which grows more and more into the glory of God’s presence. 86

“afflictions tackle these unseen centers of our life” 88

“Think of the weight of glory that may be yours by means of that difficult person you have to live with, by means of the circumstances you are in, the people you come in contact with day by day. The phrase ‘a means of grace’ comes with a wonderfully new meaning when we think of it in this light.” 88

Discovering delight

I am simply overwhelmed this morning by what I read in Psalm 1 this morning.  Read the Psalm slowly and with great pleasure–reading in the Hebrew a couple of times and then going to a commentary by Craige.  He makes what is for me, a brililliant statement about how Torah (Word of God or instruction of God) is “to be a source of delight.”  He says that it is “a delight which is discovered by means of contstant meditation on its meaning.”

In these words, he captures what I have been trying to say and do in relation to the reading of the Word whether you call it formational or spiritual reading.  Yes, I want to discover delight as I read and the words fill my intellect, my imaginations.   At times, God has granted open doors of delight as I read and I long for others to experience the same.

When I am hoping to discover delight, it is no longer something I should do or must do.  As Craige says, we should not think about the blessed or happy life in terms of reward or punishment but as a natural outcome of a way of life. This is not something you have to do.  People are tired of being told what they need to do and are longing for examples of people who will show them how to live.  Is this not an example of that?  Someone asked me why I am always reading so many books and suggested that I just relax, read my Bible and enjoy Jesus.  Maybe what I am looking for in these books are models of people who are living live well, who enjoy their relationship with Him who find in His Word and in His person delight?

Do we not naturally move towards that which gives us delight, towards that which makes us happy?   Maybe we make this harder than it really needs to be?   How do you enjoy anything?  Are Christians people who discover delight daily (in the Bible, in life, in one another etc) or are we a bunch of grumpy complaining people?  Don’t answer that–rhetorical question!

Another insight–There is an emotional dimension in discovering delight in Torah that I often miss in my own Bible reading.

Obviously, this is not the only thing that I must do in life but if I am missing this–am I not severely limiting my power and my capacity to love and care for others?  As I discover delight in Torah, I discover that I am loved and God fills me up.

As I said, I was excited this morning and I had to write something down!  Trying to imagine delight with the pics in this post.

Telling someone they need to improve

Final question from our group work: In your culture, how do you let someone know that they need to improve their work?

AMERICANS: Direct personal evaluation. Face to face. Frank/honest. Build up self esteem/praise first. Trend toward tolerance.  Celebrate diversity leads to not talking about improving.

BIKOLANOS Oral communication.

BRITS Boss calls you in to his/her office for private talk, frank exchange. Public sarcastic comments without naming the culprit or “letter to the times”. Man-to-man – go for a beer together and talk.

CANADIANS First time – Spoken gently, kindly.

CEBUANOS Pagmaymay – counsel. Kasaba – reprimanding. Silotan – punishing.

GERMANS Give few compliments. Show facts. Show bad results if continued. Call upon intellect. Use guilt – not a shame culture.

ILOKANOS We lead by example. The wife/woman takes a major role in communication with workers.

KOREANS Korea is very hierarchical society, higher position people say directly, but lower position people hardly say.

TAGALOG Most of the time, “hindi kumikibo”. Indirect – telling somebody. Avoiding hurts. Pasaring, paramdam (behavioral – e.g. dati kasama sa table/pagkain), parinig (verbal).  Dinadaan sa “BIRO” (pero totoo…). Ambiguous.  It takes “LAKAS NG LOOB” because of “BALAT SIBUYAS”.

Resolving conflict in your culture?

Another question from our training, How and when is conflict resolved in your culture?

AMERICANS Violence. Separation. Arguments. Public humiliation. Sometimes it is resolved. Pursuing greater good (so, set aside differences). Lawsuits. Admission of guilt. Celebrate diversity (not really resolved).

BIKOLANOS A story!

BRITS People move away. Emigrate. Communication stops. Avoid the other party. Historically: Duelling.  Nowadays: show down – win or lose, followed by beer in the pub. In politics: resignation.

CANADIANS Seldom resolved well. Good if admission of wrong. Court cases. For Christians – forgive.

CEBUANOS Laban-laban – Division/Faction. Note: Blood is thicker than water.  Negotioation with a 3^rd party as negotiator. Legal sanction.  Ang isog magpabilin (matira ang matibay).

GERMANS Not resolved unless relationship is highly valued. Direct confrontation/talking is needed. Inside family: maybe bigger group. With friends: mostly between two people.

ILOKANOS Tagapamagitan – mediator. Time heals. Pagpaparaya – letting go of rights. Pagpapasa-Diyos.

KOREANS Collecting people who support one’s side. Easily divided into two groups.Very difficult to be resolved because of miscommunication. Through third party who is respected by both parties.

TAGALOG Relationships are ruined! Humahanap ng kakampi! Justified our side! Most of the time it is not resolved. “Amor propio” occurs. “Hiya”- we do not approached the person. Just let go and let “TIME HEALS” which is related to being “MATIISIN”, MAHINAHON”, MAPAGTIMPI.”

Careful attentiveness to God

Another significant word I heard this week came from a student during a lively discussion we had on the difference between missions, mission (of God) and missional.  Henry had taken a recent class on missional spirituality and it had changed his life.  He said that missional spirituality is “giving careful attentiveness to what God is doing in the world and to the person of God.”  He said this concept has transformed the way he lives his life.  There is something here for me, something which attracts me.

Yes, “careful attentiveness”—requires me to be alert, observing and listening. Might we even say, it requires me to have surrendered my agendas?  To what God is doing—sounds a bit like Blackaby’s Experiencing God.  Don’t put God into a box, don’t assume or presume the way in which he will work.  Expect in a sense to be surprised at any time with His activity and yet, it is not a passive, for I will be actively paying attention to the activity of God.  Of course, it requires knowledge of the character of God and the humble discernment as I ask, is God at work in this place, event, person etc?  And “careful attentiveness to God Himself.”   So, I am keep my gaze focused carefully on God even as I am looking around in the world to see where He is in action.  I reflect and meditate and enjoy who He is and revel in my relationship with Him.  There is joy and mystery and movement and wonder and delight and much more than I could ever imagine.

Just remembered the language that Eugene Peterson uses to describe spirituality, in his Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places. He says

Spirituality is “transcendence vaguely intermingled with intimacy”( 27)  “Living, living fully and well, is at the heart of all serious spirituality.” 29   In order to be spiritual, we need to maintain vigilance and attentiveness.  Vigilance is “discerning the de-spiritualization of spirituality” by a “continual and careful reading of Holy Scripture.” 30 Attentiveness is “noting the many and profligate ways in which God gives life, renews life, blesses life,” and is  “nurtured in common worship and prayer.” 30

What does conflict look like?

More from our group exercise.  We answered the following question: In your culture, how do you know when there is bad conflict?

AMERICANS: Violence. Broken relationships. Pink slip. Verbal personal attacks.

BIKOLANOS: Through conversation – heated arguments. Suggest there is a conflict – verbal attacks are normal!

BRITISH: Voices raised. Flying objects. Not wanting to work together. Tangible silence. “Being sent to Coventry.” “Being given the cold shoulder.”

CANADIANS: Feelings of tension. People cannot talk. ; Serious conflict: Angry words, verbal attack.

CEBUANOS: Tsismis (gossip)– stories spread against the person. Tabi-tabi .Pabungol-bungol – pretending not knowing anything.

GERMANS Angry while talking. Open arguments. Personal attacks through words. Sometimes (or in later stage) no talking and meeting at all.

ILOKANOS Cold/silent treatment – avoidance. Pahiwatig – indirect “attack.”

KOREANS: No recognition, no greeting, no meal together. Criticize each other. Talk someone badly.

TAGALOG: Expressed through “body language like walang kibo (silence), masungit (harsh). Mostly every conflict is personal.  Note: NOT TRUE is the saying “walang personalan, trabaho lang”.  Criticism – degrade the person’s personality.

Surrender, not knowledge brings victory

In a recent discussion on the temptation of Christ, the leader of the group brought our attention to how Jesus was able to face the temptations of the devil by quoting the Scriptures.  “But, the Scriptures say . . .” His exhorted us to know the Scriptures and to have them ready during times when unexpected temptation came upon us.  But, I was shocked (and pleased) when one of our companions made the following (paraphrased from my memory) comment, “I disagree.  The reading of and knowledge of the Bible does not work.”  (Note: no use of the word “alone” in his statement) “In my experience, I often known what the Bible says I should do and I chose to do the opposite!  My ability to be able to quote the Scriptures does not bring me victory over temptation.  What brings me victory is surrender, my surrender to God.”  Wow!  I don’t think my brother’s intention was, in any way, to denigrate a need to have a knowledge (and memory) of the teaching of the Word of God but to remind us that knowledge without surrender does not bring us power.  Of course, we all know the danger of pride that comes whenever there is knowledge without love (1 Cor 13) and I think we could say, without surrender.  Of course, Jesus demonstrated this as He was led by the Spirit into the desert and as He said, “Not my will, but yours be done.”  Thank you my friend for this reminder regarding surrender. Just this week, I wrote in my journal, “Am I willing to surrender my right to   .  . ?” Hmmmm