Van Gogh

Have finally begun to dip into Van Gogh: The Complete Paintings, a running biography of van Goghs life with color plates of most of his works in the Taschen series, edited by Ingo Walther and Rainer Metzger.  Received this for my birthday last May.  Only frustrating thing is that the pictures are not in the same chronology as the biography. Certainly his faith influenced his life and paintings.  Early quote,  “If ever there was a genius against his own will, it was Vincent van Gogh.” 11

What Doctors Think

What Doctors Think by Jerome Groopman—started this last night and read a few chapters. Very interesting as the author helps us to understand how doctors make decisions in various situations and how we as patients need to be involved so that they do not miss something we are saying. In the introduction, Groopman discusses the effect a physician’s dislike of a patient may have on their treatment and care.

Physicians who dislike their patients regularly cut them off during the recitation of symptoms and fix on a convenient diagnosis and treatment. The doctor becomes increasingly convinced of the truth of his misjudgment, developing a psychological commitment to it. He becomes wedded to his distorted conclusion. His strong negative feelings about the patient make it harder for him to abandon that conclusion and reframe the clinical picture differently. 25

The author suggest that patients should try to discuss the miscommunication or compatibility problems with their doctor. “But when I asked other physicians what they would do if they, as patients, perceived a negative attitude from their doctor, each one flatly said he or she would find another doctor.” 26

Very interesting eh?

A Taste of Silence

Started to read A Taste of Silence by Carl Arico on centering prayer.  He is building upon what others have written so nothing really knew here.  But he did work closely with …so good to read.  Method of Centering Prayer (128 ff) seems standard to others—use of a sacred word, sitting comfortably and quietly for 10-20 minutes, return to your sacred word when thoughts distract, remain in silence at the end of the prayer time for a few minutes.  The sacred word is saying yes to the Lord, it is us telling God that we are willing for him to do whatever he wants with us to make us however he wants us to be.  It is a symbolic “I do.” “Thoughts are a normal part of centering prayer: they will always be there, you cannot get rid of them.  You are not asked to empty your mind or stop thinking.” 134

American Sphinx

Finished American Sphinx by Joseph Ellis, a biography of Thomas Jefferson.  Jefferson is a very interesting character study.  He had a keen sense of his place in history and sought to ensure the “correct” facts about the events of American independence and his key role in those early days.  One thing that struck me about Jefferson was his ability to hold to two contrary opinions at the same time.  He didn’t seem to be conflicted about this. Sometimes, he would be saying one thing publicly but then be using his key followers to be manipulating behind the scenes to further his other “real” desires. I can’t say Jefferson was a very sympathetic figure but I confess to some sympathy for him since I can identify with his struggle to hold to two opposite opinions at the same time while appearing unaware of any internal contradiction.  A good read. 

Psalm 19

Psalm 19 is my Psalm for the week.  I have been meditating on verse 14 this morning.  Made a melody out of it and that helps to remember it. 

Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart

Be acceptable in your sight; be acceptable in your sight

Oh Lord, my strength, my redeemer, O Lord, my strength my redeemer

Why is this so hard? It is the meditations of my heart that go wrong so easily.  The words of my mouth—well the tongue is impossible to tame says James 3 but what comes out of the mouth is sourced by the heart.  So, it is the heart that needs to be protected.  Too often my heart is not protected.

The Greatest Sin

As I read the chapter on “The Greatest Sin” in Christian Behavior by C.S. Lewis, I was struck by how fresh are his words today.  Words in italics and bold print are the ones that hit me the hardest.

    Of which no man in the world is free; which everyone one in the world simply loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people, except Christians, ever imagine that they are guilty themselves.

   No fault which makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves. And the more we have it ourselves, the more we dislike it in others.

   How to find out how Proud you are: Ask yourself, How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronize me, or show off?

   Pride is essentially competitive.  .  . Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. . . It’s the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest.  Once the element of competition is gone, pride has gone.

   Power is what Pride really enjoys.

   Pride means enmity—it is enmity.  And not only enmity between man and man, but enmity to God.  In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. 

   Whenever we find that our religious life is making us feel that we are good—above all, that we are better than someone else—I think we may be sure that we are being acted on, not by God, but by the devil.  The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object.

   It comes directly from Hell.  It is purely spiritual: consequently it is far more subtle and deadly. 

   For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense.

   If you really get into any kind of touch with God you will, in fact, be humble—delightedly humble, feeling the infinite relief of having for once got ride of all the silly nonsense about your dignity which has made you restless and unhappy all your life.

• The humble man won’t be thinking about humility: he won’t be thinking about himself at all.

Quiet your excessive desire for knowledge

“Quiet that excessive desire for knowledge, because it brings with it much distraction and delusion.”  So says Thomas a Kempis in his Imitation of Christ. 

Last night I was reading our various manuals related to personnel and field matters.  A comment was made in one manual that a good missionary candidate is one who is committed to continued growth and who is a reader.  I must admit one of the first things I do when I meet someone is to find out what they are reading. It is good to encourage people that are readers but it is not okay to judge others if they are not readers. Again, a Kempis writes, “Certainly, a lowly peasant who serves God is better than a proud philosopher, who, to the neglect of his own soul, studies the course of the heavens.”  And again, “Learned men are apt to wish to make a display of their learning and to be spoken of as talented.” Ouch, wounded again. It is not wrong to talk to others about what I am reading but it is wrong if I am doing it in order to improve their opinion of me!  Maybe I need to rethink why I read so much?

It is vanity to . . .

When I was unpacking my books last week, I saw a little book that I had photocopied, Thomas a Kempis’ The Imitation of Christ.  So this morning I read a few pages in it and was sliced up by his sharp words.  If you have been reading my blog lately, you will understand why this is so.

“Vanity of vanities; all is vanity,” but to love God and to serve Him solely.  .  . It is vanity, therefore to seek riches, and to trust in that which is perishable.  It is vanity, too, to seek for honours, and to strive for high position.  It is vanity to follow the desires of the flesh, and to crave for that which would inevitably bring with it a sore punishment.  It is vanity to seek for length of life, and to care little that the life should be well spent.  It is vanity to think only of the present life, and not to provide for the future.  It is vanity to love that which swiftly passes away, and not to hasten onwards to that place where joy abides for ever.”

Psalm 139

I am grateful that my Psalm for the week has been Psalm 139.  I am known and understood fully by God and I am still loved.  Indeed, I echo that it is “too wonderful for me” as I reflect on being known and loved in this way.  I cannot get my mind around these words.  They provide comfort and security.  I must admit that when I read “Where can I flee from your presence?” in verse 7 that I thought of God being able to find me and catch me wherever I go, no possibility of any secret sin from Him.  But of course these words are also comforting, knowing that I am protected by Him no matter where I go.

I have felt the absence of my monthly day of silence and tried to arrange something for today but it just didn’t work out.  It is semester break here and all the retreat places are booked up.  Maybe the Lord wants to emphasize these lesson I am learning in community before I come away with Him to talk awhile.

Love: How to Really Love Yourself

This is a follow-up post to an earlier one in which I talked about two chapters on love in Don Miller’s Blue Like Jazz. Miller said he had to repent from how he loved others but also in how he loved himself. He discovered through some broken relationships that he was having difficulty in receiving love from others–this was frustrating them. He had a tendency to “kick myself around quite a bit in my head, calling myself a loser and that sort of thing.” 227 Someone shared with him “God wants you to receive His love and to love yourself too.” Millers struggled with this idea. “I mean, it felt like it was an arrogant thing to love myself, to receive love. I knew that all this kicking myself around, all the hating myself, was not coming from God, that those voices were not God whispering in my ear.” 229

His solution (you have to read the book to pick up his struggle), “So I stopped. And I mean that. I stopped hating myself. It no longer felt right. It wasn’t manly or healthy, and I cut it out.” 231 He concludes his chapter by saying, “And so I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it does from getting it. . . God’s love will never change us if we don’t accept it.” 232

When I read this chapter, I knew Miller’s problem was also my own. Self-hatred. It is not easy to write (especially in a blog!) but this is an area in which God has been gently probing and poking me for a number of years. I need to stop hating myself and start receiving and accepting God’s love for me. Brennan Manning has a great book called Abbas Child. Wow, I just looked up his website to make sure of the title and he is old–no disrespect meant. Anyway, in this book he writes about this self-hatred so many Christians have and of the need to accept that we are accepted. I think the two go together–I am not sure it is possible to stop self-hatred without receiving God’s love and acceptance. Well, I am going to stop hating myself and receive all of the love and acceptance that God has for me. If blockages remain to my receiving His love, then Lord, lets look at them and move on. It will be interesting to see where God takes me in this new journey.

Love: How to Really Love Others

The Lord started something last week and is is so interesting to see how He wraps everything around so that both ends start touching.  I finished reading Don Miller’s Blue Like Jazz over the weekend and his two chapters on Love were outstanding. The first one was Love: How to Really Love Others and the next one was Love: How to Really Love Yourself.

Very interesting that at the same time the Lord was gently crushing me concerning my pride, He was doing the same thing with my wife.  About her pride, of course, not about my pride!  The Lord brought us to the same point but used different means to do so.  We had a great talk over the weekend about it and resolved to repent–somehow that does not sound right–resolve to repent???  Well, we confessed our pride to the Lord and declared our desire to do it His way not ours.  And then my wife wrote a beautiful letter of repentance to someone to whom she felt that she had expressed pride.

Oh, yes, back to Miller’s book. Two things that Miller discovered that he had to repent from.  One, he had to repent from using love as a commodity.  He discovered, “The church used love like money.  With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did.” 218 I think Miller is on to something.  Why does it often not feel safe within the church to share our struggles or weaknesses?  Is it because too often our love is conditional and is withheld in order to get people to do what we think they should do?  A generalization here but something worth thinking about.

In any case, here is how Miller repented (and repent is the word he used).  I replaced economic metaphor, in my mind, with something different, a free gift metaphor or a magnet metaphor.  that is, instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on, lavishly.  I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people away from the mire and toward healing.  I knew this was the way God loved me.  God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson. 220

Miller discovered the following, “Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them.  . .I love the fact that it wasn’t my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God’s, that my part was just to communicate love and approval.”  220-21  It will be interesting to see if anyone reacts to this at some point.  It is also interesting that I read the following from C.S. Lewis over the weekend, and he is on the same track in his small book, Christian Behavior.  He talks about Christians abstaining from various activities (drinking for example).  Lewis writes

But the whole point is that he is abstaining for a good reason, from something which he does not condemn and which he likes to see other people enjoying. 13

One of the marks of a certain type of bad man is that he can’t give up a thing himself without wanting every one else to give it up.  That isn’t the Christian way. An individual Christian may see fit to give up all sorts of things for special reasons . . . but the moment he starts saying the things are bad in themselves, or looking down his nose at other people who do use them, he has taken the wrong turn. 14

I am off a bit from loving others but I think the point of Lewis matches up with Millers and may help us explain why so many people I have met dislike or are disillusioned with the church.

And why am I in front of this computer now?

It is about 9:30 p.m. and I could probably sleep if I tried but I haven’t been blogging lately and I have missed it. I am not sure why? Not too many people comment on my posts and there are never more than around 50 hits in a day–yep, I check it. So, I know I can’t avoid some of the pride form in my blogging but I don’t think that is my primary reason. Nor do I think I am addicted (at least not yet). I read a few months ago a book called The Blogging Church and the author suggests that the “why” question is one every blogger must answer. And I suppose go back to periodically.

At first I started blogging because I was learning all of this stuff and I needed an outlet, I needed to share it with someone. Maybe in sharing it, I am testing it, seeing if I really understand it and then I can also see how far I have internalized or applied what I am learning. Maybe I am here tonight because I have discovered that in some way blogging helps me to process life. I know that what I have to say may not be particularly helpful to very many people but it is to me. I think that is enough as long as I am not hurting people by what I am saying or posting. I don’t think I am deceiving myself in all of this.

A secondary reason for my blogging is to help my friends connect with me. I find it hard to email people regularly but I can blog regularly. I know some may find that as an excuse for my not writing to them. Maybe I will get better in my emailing. Of course, since my wife and I are missionaries, blogging does help me keep in contact with a lot more people than I ever could via email. We do send out email but I know most people are like me and they get way to many emails to read so blogging.  I know I should be looking at other people’s blogs but so far I have not been able to do that regularly.  I know there is a lot of good stuff out there–it is just a time factor for me right now.

More painful lessons

The Lord continued His relentless assault on me this morning.  I thought my problem has been my new job, an unclear job description and a micro-managing boss but no, the problem is my heart.  It is and has been full of pride.  I was reading over an email to prepare for a potential new worker arriving tomorrow.  I had thought that I had been left out of the loop, that yet another decision was being made without any consultation of yours truly.  I guess I am used to being the one in control, the one who has the final say, the one who consults others and then makes the hard decision.  But, this was also the self-absorbed life that I used to live and the Lord has been trying to deliver me from that life! Do I really want to go back there?  No
So what if my gifts and potentials are not being used or recognized! Am I doing what God wants me to do?  If yes, then I can rest and be content and know that I honor Him by my faithfulness and as I love others.  This has been a painful few days and I do not think this lesson is over.  This afternoon, I spent an hour or so listening over and over to a new song about the love of Christ–His for me and mine for Him as I looked at a painting of the prodigal son (can’t remember the artist just now).  How I need to cling to my Father as the prodigal son did to his father upon his return!

“It is enough for a student to be like his teacher.”

So, said Jesus in Mtt 10:25.  Indeed, being a Christian is about transformation, not just conversion.  I have been seeing lately how much I am not like Jesus–how far the transformation needs to go.  There is so much of self left in me, I have not begun to get to the end of me.  The self-pre-occupation that I have is sometimes so very discouraging to me.

Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz also has me thinking about this.  When he moved in with four other guys, after living alone for a long time, he came to discover his own self-addiction.  Miller writes,

Living in community made me realize one of my faults: I was addicted to myself.  All I thought about was myself. The only thing I really cared about was myself.  I had very little concept of love, altruism or sacrifice.  I discovered that my mind is like a radio that picks up only one station, the one that plays me: K-DON, all Don, all the time.  181

The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: Life is a story about me. 182

“. . . no drug is so powerful as the drug of self. No rut of mind is so deep as the one that says I am the world, th world belongs to me, all people are characters in my play. There is no addiction as powerful as self-addiction.  182

Miller concludes his chapter with a story about a guy who was serving people without complaint but with joy even though there was little gratitude from those being served.  When Miller asked him how he did it, the friend replied, “If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus.” 185

“On my account”

Reading in Mtt 10 the other day and when I came to verses 17-20, I got stuck on “On my account” in verse 18.  This is in a section in which Jesus is preparing His followers for suffering that is to come.  It is “on my account” that these things will happen to you, says Jesus.  I know I like the blessings, the joy and the peace that come to my life on account of Him but am I prepared for the other part?  I want to be conformed to His image but do I not know that must move through being conformed to His suffering and death as well.

It is like Jesus is asking me, what will you do ‘on account of me?’ How far will you go?” Maybe this is hitting me hard because of recent events.  In the last month, one of our team members in a fairly remote area received death threats.  After much prayer and consultation, the family decided to stay in location.  I heard my friend share about what he had learned the other day.  “I learned that I am not a coward,” is one thing he said.  I am not sure if I know the answer to that question regarding myself.

He also said, “If you want to play basketball, you have to accept body contact.” I guess I am convicted by my relative comfort compared to my brothers for whom ministry is getting physical. And finally, my friend said, “If they are willing to die, why not Christians?”  Wow!  I needed to blog about this lest this moment be forgotten for me.

“God woos us with kindness.” Donald Miller in Blue Like Jazz

I am enjoying reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller very much. The sub-title of the book helps you see where he is coming from, Nonreligious thoughts on Christian spirituality. He is an extremely honest and gifted writer and every chapter makes me think. Some comments on grace:

For a very long time, I could not understand why some people have no trouble accepting the grace of God while others experience immense difficulty. I counted myself as one o fthe ones who had trouble. I would hear about grace, read about grace and even sing about grace but accepting grace is an action I could not understand. It seemed wrong to me not to have to pay for my sins, not to feel guilty about it or kick myself around. More than that, grace did not seem like the thing I was looking for. It was too easy. I wanted to feel as though I earned my forgiveness, as though God and I were buddies doing favors for each other. 83

Miller describes how he understood his problems after observing a woman who received the charity of government food stamps when he wrote,

“I love to give charity, but I don’t want to be charity. This is why I have so much trouble with grace. . . I am too prideful to accept the grace of God. It isn’t that I want to earn my own wasy to give something to God, it’s that I want to earn my own way so I won’t be charity.” 84-85

Miller describes how his pastor helped him to see that accepting God’s grace and love is the first step towards obedience.

Rick says that I will love God because he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God’s love, I cannot love him in return, and I cannot obey him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God’s love will. The ability to accept God’s unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God’s kindness and free love is something the devil doe snot want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom doe snot love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love. 86

More on gratefulness

After posting yesterday, I came down with flu-like symptoms and have felt miserable over the last 24 hours.  Went home after lunch and slept until this morning! This morning, after taking some ibuprofen, I managed to get out of the house and into the office.  This was a good warning for me to make sure that I am living in a healthy way in order to avoid a relapse into burnout!  Thank you God!

Found my notes from the sermon Sunday about tourists and pilgrims.  Dr. Gordon Smith said, “We gather to say God is good, regardless of the past week.” (looking at Col 3:15-17 and Psalm 100)

Smith also suggested a few resources for us to look at–one was Paul Simon’s  Surprise CD–in particular his song titled “Outrageous in which he sings, “Who’s going to love you when your looks are gone?” And then he answers, “God will, like He waters the flowers on your window sill.”  He also suggested we go back and read Bonhoeffer’s Life Together in which Bonhoeffer says that Christians enter into life not as demanders but as thankful recipients.

Dr. Smith also quoted Francis Schaeffer on the difference between Christians and non-Christians,  “Pagans refuse to give thanks–Christians give thanks.”

Smith said that the discipline of thankfulness fights the culture of entitlement.  We were reminded that everything that we have comes to us as a gift which should make us grateful!  Appreciative abandonment says Caussade instead of depreciative abandonment. It is a choice we make, one that involves giving up our right to have things “our way.”

I have a long way to go in this area!

A tourist or a pilgrim?

I don’t even know where to begin after being away from blogging for awhile.  Despite some challenges, I am thankful for all that has been happening here. That was the message yesterday in Colossians 3:15-17.  Gordon Smith said, “Tourists make demands but pilgrims are thankful.” Are you a tourist or a pilgrim?  He mentioned a relatively new CD by Paul Simon that I am going to be looking for.  Plus we sang a powerful worship song called, “Mighty to Save.”

Three weeks ago, my laptop computer died and this morning, when I turned it on, it started!  Have no idea what is going on?  A friend did look at it but he said it needed a new mother board.   I think I will never turn  it off now–not very green friendly!!
Made our second trip to Davao last week and the Lord gave us a few glimpses of how we can minister to people here.  And, He confirmed (at least to me) that we belong in Manila now.  It felt good to be back in Manila, it feels like home now instead of Davao.

Slowly, there our house is becoming orderly.  Doris just sent me a message saying that our helper who came today is very willing to help and a hard worker for which we are grateful.  She will be helping with the laundry and house cleaning three mornings a week.  One night, we actually were able to sit and relax and not feel compelled to clean or organize things!

Despite not being in a routine, the Lord has sustained me in my reading and prayer.  This is not the most disciplined nor most organized time in my life but I am hanging in there until I can get into a healthier rhythm.  Two things that should help are getting regular exercise and eating healthier.  Heading off to the gym during lunch in a few minutes so I can make it thru an afternoon of meetings ahead.

Encouraging times with friends this last weekend at a birthday party and at church.  The fellowship and community of others is something I have discovered that is also important for healthy living!

Safe in Manila if being in Manila is safe?

The message above was one I sent this afternoon to a friend as we arrived back in Manila from our trip to Davao.  But, to be honest, it is good to be back home, even if our home is in Manila and even if our house is a disaster.  Always nice to be in Davao, to catch up with old friends and visit with new ones.  Hope to give some reflections on our trip down there soon.

Sacrament of the present moment

I have been working on being present in each moment of the day rather than always looking ahead to the next event. I think this helps free me from anxiety and fear as well as allowing me to truly enjoy life. Is it not  in the present moment that God is at work in me? Muto and van Kaam discuss Caussade’s “Sacrament of the present moment”

“What God arranges us for us to experience at each moment is the best and holiest thing that could happen to us.” from Abandonment to Divine Providence 27 Jean Pierre de Caussade

“Abandonment” does not connote the numbness of passive surrender to the inevitable; it suggests a courageous yielding in Christ to the love-will of the Father as he invites us to make the best of everything that befalls us.” Foundations of Christian Formation 156

Elsewhere, I remember Muto saying, “Be still even as you are in motion.”  I have a ways to go on this one but there is movement, there is growth in grace.