Besetting sins

I am not exactly sure what a besetting sin is, perhaps one that is recurring, one in which I continue to struggle?  In any case, when our pastor last Sunday, mentioned that Christ wants to set us free from all besetting sins, I knew what that meant for me.

Thus, it was interesting when I read an evening prayer from Baillie today that closed with the following quote that I have slightly modified:
Oh God of infinite love, You alone have the power to destroy the empire of evil within my soul.  Grant that with each day passing, I may more and more be delivered from my besetting sins.

In the daily reading, he asks of himself, a series of questions (for example: “Have I been lazy in body or languid in spirit?”).   Each paragraph is then closed with the following: “Give me grace to answer honestly, O God.”

The importance of honesty with myself, others and God continues to be a theme that is recurring with me these days.

Because You are my Father, I am not afraid

Life has been a challenge since my time last week in the desert.  I wonder why? I met with someone earlier this morning and as we processed what was happening, she suggested that I spend the day in something that was life giving.  Perhaps, the needs of my family, will require more inner resources than I currently possess.  So, I came home and sat and prayed and read, all the time wondering what God is doing.

I took my wife to the airport this morning so she could fly a couple of hours away in order to attend her grandmother’s funeral–a bit unexpected and sad.  While finishing up travel plans last night, she encouraged me to look at a website that describes and shows surgical pictures that it looks like my daughter will require soon.  And then, she informed me that the pain she had felt before her gallbladder surgery had returned!  And that pain should not be ignored. These things added to the unsettledness and uncertainty I have been feeling about our inability to nail down a return date to the field.

I tried to talk to someone later but they were busy so God and I had a little talk.  I sensed the following prayer by John Baillie (that I have edited slightly–italics and bold mine) might be for me:

“For there is little that I  have power to do or to ordain.  Not of my own will am I here, not of my own will shall I soon pass.  Of all that shall come to me this day, very little will be such as I have chosen for myself.  It is You, O hidden One, who appoints my lot and determines the boundaries of my habitation.  It is You who have put power in my hand to do one work and have withheld the skill to do another.  It is You who keeps in Your grasp the threads of this day’s life and who alone knows what lies before me to suffer.  But because, You are my Father, I am not afraid.”

After this I continued my meditation in Psalm 23.  From the NET Bible:

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He takes me to lush pastures.

He leads me to refreshing waters.

He restores my strength.

He leads me down the right path for the sake of His reputation.

Even though I must walk through a dark ravine,

I fear no danger,

for You are with me;

Your rod and your staff keep me calm. 

Well, that is enough for me to know for now.

“Lord, still and quiet my soul”

Just finished reading today Van Kaam’s Looking for Jesus, which are reflections on his formative reading of the Upper Room Discourse.   In the final chapter he is reflecting on Jn 14:27-33 and writes the following.

“Please bring back my captivity from all places. I feel captivated by popular movements, projects, ambitions, over involvement.  These concerns drive me on relentlessly.  I push people around to make my plans come true and I am pushed around in turn.  I drop my prayers to gain time for action.  I skip moments of rest and recollection.  No longer do I find time to gently nurse my soul.  I have put myself into captivity.”

“Lord, still and quiet my soul, nurse it back to the life of peace as gently as a nursing mother.  Arrogance is one main cause of my captivity.  I take on more than I can handle.  I involve myself in too many things at once.  I set goals that are obviously too sublime for me.  Help me to say: Psalm 131:1-3. “  146-147

I seem to be hearing this same message over and over.  Indeed, when I find myself in captivity, it is often I who have put myself there; no one else is to blame.  Psalm 131 is one of my favorites!

Van kaam mentions in this chapter, The Last Supper, painted by Salvador Dali.

  He says, “We could envision the painting as celebrating the new presence of Jesus in our history after he has returned to his Father. 

Why did I go to the monastery?

My friend asked me why I was going to the monastery last week.  Why indeed?  My initial response: “a sense of adventure, I am a monastery junkie, I need time alone and so this would be part of my regular disciplines, I valued the journey with my friend!”

Later, in solitude, two questions came to my mind, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mk 10:51) and “Why are you here?” 1 Kings 18)   Another question, arose out of a time of lectio divina in Mk 11:20-25, “Will you trust me?” And then a question popped out of John 5:6, “Do you really want to get well?”

Buchanan wisely observes in The Rest of God, “Not everyone wants to get well.”  He says, “It’s the most natural thing to befriend your sickness, even after long association, to depend on it.” 151 If we get well, we can no longer use our “sickness” or “past” or “struggle” or “addiction” as an excuse.  Buchanan says about the one that is healed, “And now he relinquishes the unique status suffering bestows on a man and enters the anonymity that comes with being well.  .  . He’s just like everybody else now.  We expect things of him.” 152  Ouch!

As I thought about the ways in which I was sick, areas in which I need to be healed, it was not easy to answer Jesus’ question, “Do I want to be healed?”  Buchanan asks, “How have I grown content” with my sickness?

Yes, Lord, you know I do want to be made well!  I give into your hands those areas that have kept me from being free.  How long have I held onto my commitment to independence and autonomy? Desperately trying to control any part of my environment!  Lord forgive me.  I release . . . and turn towards You.  You have pursued me with Your love! Thank you Lord!

I wish healing was a one time thing!  Sometimes, the Lord cuts off a sin at the root and we are free.  In other areas, the battle between flesh and spirit continues.  The question remains, “Do you want to be healed?”

More from the desert

Today is the third day back from the desert.  On the first day, I was able to sit and be still quite easily and just enjoy being with God.  Today, it was a battle.  Why?  I remember on the first day at the Monastery I slept a lot, with a nap in the morning and evening and that with a regular nights sleep.  What I have concluded is that I live much of my life in a dangerously tired state.  Some of this comes from work and the living of life.  But, much of my fatigue comes from choices that I can control.  Watching television does not give me energy and this weekend I watched a lot of golf and baseball.  In fact, last night, I chose to continue watching my sports program rather than get up and go to a prayer meeting that I had enjoyed in previous meetings.  I am going to have to make some hard choices about how I spend my time if I want to make lasting changes and stay healthy.

Met with a counselor today and she gave us two assignments after talking about my previous burnout and depression and our impending departure overseas. What will we need to avoid or to do in order to stay healthy and avoid a recurrence of burnout?   Second, what are the warning signs for me that burnout is approaching?

May you be covered in the dust of your rabbi

“May you be covered in the dust of your rabbi.” A rabbinical saying says Rob Bell in his Dust video. In 12 minutes, he is able to pack in so much. Bell says, “Disciples are followers of their teachers–they seek to be like their teacher and do what the teacher does. When a disciple was chosen, the Rabbi was saying that he believed in them.”
Jesus has chosen me! He believes in me–believes that I have what it takes, that with His power, I can be like Him and do what He did. Thank you Lord, for I often do not believe in myself and too easily doubt.

Pics from Abbey of Gethsemani

With our guestmaster

View from above

Some pics around Christ in the Desert Monastery

Taken outside the guesthouse. Someone was very creative with the wooden monk.

View from the top of a cliff we climbed

Ready to continue hiking!

Christ in the Desert Monastery

Spent last week at the Benedictine Monastery, Christ in the Desert, last week. It is located about an hour north of Santa Fe, NM and is 13 miles off U.S. 84 on a dirt road just beyond the edge of the National Forest. We (traveled with a friend) arrived on a Tuesday afternoon and left on Friday morning. There were about 6-8 of us that stayed in the guest house, about a third of a mile from the church and refectory. We were welcome to join the monks (about 35 in their community I was told) in their 7 prayer times during the day, starting at 4 a.m. with vigils and finishing with compline at 7:30 p.m. Meals were taken in silence; for breakfast the visitors ate in a separate dining room but we joined the monks for the main noon meal and the light (usually leftovers from noon) meal in the evening. Except for the prayer times, we maintained silence, although at times, there would be brief hushed conversations around the guest house. Of course, much conversation did take place with a nod of the head or a smile to someone. It was a restful and refreshing week. One article said, “the monastery seeks to have silence within its bounds be as commonplace as the noise in the outside world.” This was my third stay at a monastery and will not be my last.

Apart from one morning hike with my friend into a small canyon (and yes, we did talk!), I spent most of the time sitting or walking around and enjoying the beautiful towering cliffs overlooking the Chama River valley. And, I did get some extra sleep, which was much needed. I discovered that I really didn’t miss my electronic world of computers, cell phones, television, etc. Perhaps because I have had previous times away in silence and solitude, I was never bored or restless. Even now, as I sit at my desk, I can remember, re-enter and enjoy, the stillness I spent together with God, during the three days in the desert. What a gift for which I am grateful! Since I did a lot of writing in my journal, more blogs to come on this experience. Comments or questions are welcome!

An honest prayer: As I pray, let me not . . .

I read this prayer by John Baillie this morning (in A Diary of Private Prayer) and I offer it here with slight editing of the Thees and Thous.  He recognizes that even as he prays for his own obedience and God’s honor, there may be hidden areas that he still wants to hold onto and so he includes them at the same time.  An honest prayer.  It reminds me of how I have prayed before speaking, “Lord, I recognize that there is a part of me that enjoys the attention of being up front but Lord, I really want this to be about you and your glory.  Work in spite of my double-mindedness.”

O God, let your Spirit now “fill my heart.”* 

Even now as I pray this prayer, let not any room within me be furtively closed to keep You out.

O God, give me power to follow after that which is good.

Even now as I pray this prayer, let there be no secret purpose of evil formed in my mind, that waits for an opportunity of fulfillment.

O God, bless all my undertakings and cause them to prosper.

Even now as I pray this prayer, let me not be still holding to some undertaking on which I dare not ask Your blessing.

O God, give me chastity.

Even now as I pray this prayer, let me not say to myself secretly, But not yet, or, But not overmuch.

O God, bless every member of this household.

Even now as I pray this prayer, let me not still harbour in my heart a wrongful feeling of jealousy or bitterness or anger towards any of them.   

O God, bless my enemies and those who have done me wrong.

Even now as I pray this prayer, let me not still cherish in my heart the resolve to “seek revenge”  when occasion offers. **

O God, let Your Kingdom come on earth.

Even now as I pray this prayer, let me not be still intending to devote my own best hours to the service of lesser ends.

O Holy Spirit of God, as I rise from these acts of devotion, let me not return to evil thoughts and worldly ways, but let that mind be in me which was also in Christ Jesus. Amen.

* changed by me from “now enter my heart”

** changed by me from “requite them”

“My faith will grow mainly when I long for your presence and discover it in your absence.”

I am reading van Kaam’s Looking for Jesus, which is a series of formational reflections on the Upper Room Discourse. Following are some prayers by van Kaam after reflecting on Jn 13:36-38

“Lord, Peter’s weakness reminds me of my own betrayal. In your presence I often feel enraptured, but my enthusiasm, like Peter’s, seems all too human–more excitement of sentiment than of spirit, more a mood than a lasting disposition, more a more the fruit of imagination, than of grace. My fervency is mixed with self-reliance.”

“When I quiet down inwardly, when I silence excitement and still the noise of sentiment, the roar of enthusiasm, I recall my weakness. Without you I can do nothing.”

“It is not I, Lord, who own you, but you who own me. The only thing I can do by myself is to disown you. It is arrogance to think that I can follow you anywhere, any way, any time on my own initiative. “

“Now I understand a little better, my Lord, your coming and going. Often I feel left alone in the everydayness of a life that seems empty without you: a dull life of merely doing things, of bearing with others resentfully. Deepen my trust in what you told Peter and what you tell me, that we will follow you later.”

“My faith will grow mainly when I long for your presence and discover it in your absence.”

I really like the last quote above. Any comments?

How Long?

My pastor is preaching on Isaiah 5 and 6 this week and so I thought I would read them in order to prepare myself and to pray for him. I ended up going back and reading from chapter 1 until 6. I was blown away by what I read! How long, says Isaiah in 6:11, will it go on like this? These chapters should get your heart pumping! Read them at one sitting but here is a summary I worked on this morning.

The Sovereign Lord who leads armies dominates these chapters

§ Sovereign Lord who leads armies or the Lord of Hosts 1:24; 2:12; 3:1; 5:9, 16, 24; 6:3, 5

§ Sovereign king of Israel 1:4; 5:19

§ Sovereign master 3:17; 6:1, 8

§ Powerful ruler of Israel 1:24

§ The Lord alone will be exalted 2:11, 17

§ Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord who leads armies 6:3

Isaiah describes the nation

§ An ox recognizes its owner, a donkey recognizes where its owner puts its food but Israel does not recognize me 1:3

§ Do not recognize what the Lord is doing 5:12

§ Abandoned the Lord 1:4

§ Rejected the King 1:4

§ Alienated from Him 1:4

§ Rebel against his royal authority 3:8

 

§ The nation is as good as dead 1:4

§ Those who accumulate houses are as good as dead 5:8

§ Those who pull evil along with cords of emptiness are as good as dead 5:18

§ Those who call evil good and good evil are as good as dead 5:20

§ Those who think they are wise area as good as dead 5:21

§ Those who are champions at drinking wine are as good as dead 5:22

 

§ Weighed down by evil deeds 1:4

§ Offspring who do wrong; children who do wicked things 1:4

§ Openly boast of their sin 3:9

§ Wicked sinner will get exactly what they deserve 3:12

§ Once faithful city has become a prostitute 1:21

§ Lips contaminated by sin and live among people whose lips are contaminated by sin 6:5

 

§ Meaningless offerings 1:13

§ Sin-stained celebrations 1:13

§ Your festivals, “they are a burden that I am tired of carrying” 1:14

§ When you spread out your hands in prayer, I look the other way 1:15

§ When you offer your many prayers, I do not listen 1:15

 

§ Proud men will be brought low, arrogant men will be humiliated 2:11; 12, 18; 5:15

§ Women proud 3:16

§ Women will be punished—putrid stench will replace the smell of spices, baldness for hair, prisoner’s brand for beauty 3:24

 

§ Officials are rebels, love bribery and look for payoffs 1:23

§ Leaders mislead them and give confusing directions 3:13

§ Leaders stolen from the poor 3:14

§ Leaders of Sodom 1:10

§ Crush my people 3:14

§ Grind the faces of the poor 3:15

§ Pronounced guilty innocent for a payoff 3:15, 5:23

§ Ignore the cause of the innocent 5:23

§ Rejected the law 5:24

 

§ Your hedge will be removed, wall broken down, you will become a wasteland 5:6

§ You will be ashamed 1:29

§ Vengeance 1:24

 

Commands

§ Learn to do what is right 1:16

§ Stop sinning 1:16

§ Promote justice 1:17

§ Give the oppressed reason to celebrate 1:17

§ Take up the cause of the orphan 1:17

§ Defend the rights of the widow 1:17

§ Have a willing attitude and listen 1:19

§ Walk in the Lord’s guiding light 2:5

§ Stop trusting in men, whose life breath is in their nostrils 2:22

HHo

 

Promises

§ You can become white like snow, white like wool 1:18

§ In the future, all the nations will come to Jerusalem to worship, to be taught 2:3

§ Zion a center for moral instruction 2:3

§ Those left will be called holy 4:3

§ Cloud and smoke by day and flame of fire by night will be over Zion 4:5

§ Canopy will accompany the Lord’s glorious presence providing shade, safety and protection 4:5

§ Your evil is removed, your sin is forgiven 6:7

Here I am send me! Go and tell 6:8,9

 

State of Fear

I finished reading State of Fear by Michael Crichton over the weekend. What an eye opener it was. A good thriller like his other books but he is able to unveil the massive deception that is going on in the name of the environment. I discovered a number of assumptions that I held that had no scientific basis. He provides excellent resources for those of us who are beginners and want to go to the primary sources. Christians need to be involved in caring for our world and Crichton encourages that but we need to do it with our eyes open. What are the genuine needs in the world? What message are we communicating to those in two-thirds world countries? What is the cost in terms of human life to make changes that have been proposed? What is the cost if we do not? Crichton suggests that we understand very little about the causes of climate change etc. and we are naive if we think that we can control the environment. Highly recommended.

The Beauty of Imperfection

As I watched Into Great Silence, I noticed the beauty of imperfection.  This sounds kind of strange so let me explain.  Because the camera lingered on close-ups of the various monks in prayer, I couldn’t help but notice how different each one was and how none of them were physically perfect.   Their hair was not perfectly ordered, their eyebrows were sometimes wild looking, their skin was different textures–with blemishes and scars.    I realized that we are obsessed with perfection in America.  We live in the illusion that perfection is possible.  I know I did.  But, when we relax and accept a less than perfect body, clothes, work, can we not begin to see the beauty that is inherent.  And, we are forced to reconsider what we see as beautiful.  There is something beautiful about the uniqueness of each person whether it be the way they look or their personality or the way they talk or walk etc.  How beautiful is life!  But of course, we need to slow down to see it.  How sad to let even one hour without appreciating the beauty around us.

The monastic life and those of us on the outside

In the movie and in my two experiences at Trappist monasteries, the life of silence and prayer was a voluntary choice by  the monks as their path to God.  Never did I hear (no pun intended) that they think the monastic life is the best way–the monks certainly do not say that and in my reading, I don’t know of anyone who has proposed that.  In fact, most who write about silence and solitude communicate that we are best prepared to be in community when we cultivate time alone with God.  I think of Jesus’ words when he said to the disciples, “Come away with me for awhile.”  For those of us on the outside, monasteries (thankfully) are a place of refuge for those wanting to take seriously what it means to be in silence and solitude.  Actually, the monks communicated to me that their life of prayer was on behalf of those on the outside.  The monks that I have talked have a genuine concern for the outside world and serve the poor and offer hospitality to those from the outside world.

So, the monks (from the past and in the present) are guides for me to learn what it means to be silent and alone, they warn me of the dangers and suggest tools to assist me in the journey.  I agree that like any discipline silence and solitude can become legalistic–if you look at my blog on this in the last week, we often promote ourselves and control others concerning practices with which we may have some skill–but probably do not bring up other important qualities that we are lacking–compassionate, mercy, etc.

In my enthusiasm, I may have miscommunicated the message that extended periods of silence and solitude are necessary for a deeper spiritual life for everyone.  I have tried to speak out of my own experience.  I have missed much of life and my walk with the Spirit has been hindered because I have neglected these disciplines.  I am passionate about this subject because it has been the vehicle through which God has brought about significant change and healing in me.  Ruth Barton would say that it is important that each of us understand what our individual needs are in terms of silence and solitude in order to function in a healthy way.  To neglect these disciplines entirely would be to go against the practice of Jesus and the practices of those respected for their deep spirituality throughout the history of the church.

In response to the monastic life

After reading my blog about Into Great Silence and then hearing me talk about it, my wife sent me the following email.  She has some excellent observations that need a response.  With her permission, I am posting it here.  Feel free to comment.  I hope to respond tomorrow.

“I struggle with the whole silent monastery scene. It seems to me to be man’s attempt to re-create the garden of Eden-a perfect world where man is in constant communion with God, in an orderly, controlled environment. But even then, it is, of course, contrived: Eve was also in the garden with Adam, not another man. Adam and Eve were expected, in their differences as well as their similarities, to worship God together, as a more complete picture of His image, as they interacted with each other in purity and love, and interacted individually and together with God. No such thing in an all male monastery. It is not a complete picture. And, in a fallen world, I suspect that a male-female monastery wouldn’t work at all, and that is why they don’t usually have them!

And since the fall, life is messy. It seems to me, at least, that with the coming of Christ our redeemer, we are expected to demonstrate God’s image to the world by our interactions with each other, men and women, in the body of Christ, in a fallen world, through the power of the Holy Spirit: such a life should attract others to God, and result in His praise and glory. Of course we will still fall short. How good that God is forbearing!

Yes, I know the monks are not perfect, they don’t claim to be perfect; their world is not ideal, they too struggle with issues related to their own experiences, their relationships with each other, their work, their relationship with God. Yes, I know the Bible suggests the value of silence and solitude and we modern day Christians are truly missing out as we fail to practice these and other disciplines as we go about the messy business of life in a fallen world as redeemed people. But it seems to me it is tempting to view these monks as having something superior to us, of attaining a better relationship with God, that we can only taste in sips, and that will be denied us unless we emulate their world and become separate. Isn’t there an inherent danger of legalism here?

The two great commands, Love the Lord your God with all your heart….etc. and Love your neighbor as yourself, along with Jesus’ answer to the question “Who is your neighbor?”, seem to me to suggest that we are to live out these commands in a “real” community, of believers and nonbelievers, of home schoolers and public schoolers, of Democrats and Republicans, and not in an artificial community where we only live among like minded people with similar goals and values.

Maybe, though, I am missing something important here. I realize my own need for more *productive* silence and solitude, and my failure to pursue it actively. Your thoughts about your journey in this world of more silence and solitude have challenged me in a good way.

They have also provoked me to ask some questions: Shouldn’t we Christians be at the forefront of a movement to make such places of silence, solitude, refreshment, and renewing readily available to all: the vice-president of a large corporation, the pastor of a small rural church, the mother of an autistic child, the single father working to provide for his family, the inner city Metropolitan bus driver, etc.? If these kinds of practices, and these kinds of places are truly critical to our spiritual development, shouldn’t we be clamoring to make them available at every church, at all hours of the day, to all no matter their economic or social status, no matter what their work or home situation may be? Not only by providing places, but by providing finances, babysitting, food, time-although I don’t know how-to make it happen? Helping each other?”

Into Great Silence

Just back from viewing Into Great Silence, a movie about the life of 24 or 25 monks at an abbey in France. Most of the (almost 3 hour) movie was silent except for when the monks were singing or praying and there was one interview at the end with a blind monk. There was text on the screen off and on–in French, German and English. A number of things stand out about the movie. The beauty of simplicity, the beauty of the imperfect, the attraction (and cost required to maintain) silence and solitude, joy in community, the appreciation and value of words when speech is limited. I went with a friend and we talked about the movie all the way home. Both of us had been at a Trappist monastery where silence was practiced and it did help us to have an idea of what was going on as the camera followed the monks in their various activities.

Back to the beauty of simplicity. As the movie progressed, we were often treated by the camera focusing on various objects for a significant time and the time given in silence to observe the objects made me realize once again how beautiful is the world. A sliced apple, a loaf of bread, rays of sunlight shining through windows, close ups of the monk’s faces while in prayer, a cup of steaming coffee, blue sky, clouds, drops of water, still water. By filming the movie the way they did, we were able to get a taste and enter into silent simple and beautiful world of the Monastery of Grand Chartreuse high in the French Alps. A real treat.

Transparency

I have to admit that this is not my favorite topic.  But, Brennan Manning says that Christians should be “windows to God’s work” and therefore we are to be transparent.  “Transparency is the epiphany of our life in Christ.” I do like that.  It is an overflow of our life in Christ that is attractive to a watching world.  As Christians we can be and should be honest and sincere. Why are we not transparent?  Manning writes:

“Often our preoccupation with the three most basic human desires—security, pleasure and power—is the cloak that covers transparency. The endless struggle for enough money, good feelings and prestige yields a rich harvest of worry, frustration, suspicion, anger, jealousy, anxiety, fear and resentment.” 38

  Manning quotes Merton when he writes,

“What the gospel offers us . . . the grace to courageously accept the bitter truth that is revealed to us; to abandon our inertia, our egoism and submit entirely to the demands of the Spirit, praying earnestly for help, and giving ourselves generously to every effort asked of us by God.” 47

At the same time as I read the above, I am also reading, Accountable Discipleship by Manskar in which he writes about the need for “regular mutual accountability” as a “means of preventing self-deception and keeping our discipleship aligned with Christ.” 18  I have been in more accountability relationships than in accountability groups. Even in accountability relationships, it is not easy to maintain transparency.  For accountability  to work in my experience, there needs to be mutual accountability. And, all accountability relationships do not get to issues of the heart. 

Transparency and accountability are topics that are easy to talk about but difficult to practice on a regular basis.  I wonder if many in the church hide what their life is truly like because we fear being exposed, fear being rejected? Actually for a lot of men, it seems that we are unaware of our needs or don’t want to think about them and cover them up with work, sports or other diversions.  I know for me, in the not too distant past, I rarely shared anything of a personal nature due to pride and self-sufficiency—I was saying without words that I didn’t need prayer! I guess it comes down to recognizing how desperate I am apart from God.  Two good blog topics there—“diversions” and  “struggles with grace”. 

And yet, when the light comes, when there is loving accountability, the power of sin and the darkness is broken and liberation begins to take place. My conclusion: transparency needs to begin with me and can only be maintained by living in community. Comments?