Pleasure

In the last month, I have been traveling quite a bit—to the Green and White Mountains of Vermont and New Hampshire and to the Cascades of Oregon!  There was rest and relaxation nicely mixed in with work and responsibility.  For the most part, I was able to be present and enjoy the gift of the moment.  These last three weeks have been mostly healthy and my reading in Buchanan’s The Rest of God, helped a lot.  But, I know how easily that which is healthy becomes an empty pursuit.  Manning writes:

 
When forms of pleasure, leisure, and recreation refresh mind and body and revitalize the spirit, they bring a sense of balance, rest and wholeness.  But sought after for themselves, they send us on a roller-coaster ride during which each sensation must be greater than the last one for the thrill to continue. 69-69

 
What happens?  Rather than allow pleasure to be a good gift from God, flowing out of intimacy with Him, pleasure becomes a pursuit in itself—it is a pursuit for meaning, happiness, whatever.  In reality, it is an empty pursuit of a “divine love experience”.  Manning says, “We seek and search for ways (sex, alcohol, drugs, thrills, escape, etc) to fill up the gaping holes in our lives, yet come away from these experiences with little more than a temporary sense of completion.” 71 

A problem for the church to consider

It does not take a long look around to see people in a desperate search for meaning and purpose.  As a Christian, I have found that the answer lies in a divine love relationship.  Everything else leaves me empty.  I (and I believe all of us) long to be held safely in the embrace of someone greater than myself.  Manning suggests that some churches exploit this.  Here is what he writes,

 
Consider how our churches have explored and exploited our need to replace the numbness in our lives with a passion for something, anything.  . . .worship in which the music is meant to stir the emotions but the soul is left unmoved. . .the message feels good and where we feel energized and uplifted—but never challenged or convicted.

 
I am not saying this does not happen (perhaps frequently) but I don’t think it does in the churches in which I normally attend.  Some might disagree with me.  What occurs more often I think is that we don’t provide answers for the questions people are asking. I visited a church last week and came away quite discouraged with how they seemed almost oblivious to the emptiness, to the desperate need in folks for meaning and purpose. The Bible was preached and Jesus was proclaimed but somewhere along the way, there was little connection with us sitting in the pew.  When I mentioned to someone I met a few weeks ago that I was taking a course on dialogue education, a program that is offering tools to overcome the monologue approach in which one person speaks and is often boring.  Her response, “Oh, you mean, like in the church?”  Need I say more?

How am I really doing?

Manning asks two probing questions that I reflected on this morning.  He says, “To ascertain where you really are with the Lord, recall what saddened you the past month . . . Conversely, what gladdened you the past month?”   Manning is suggesting that our answers to these questions will reveal the true importance of our faith. I found it was easier to recall what had saddened me rather than what had gladdened me.  A good exercise.

Insecurity

As one who has wrestled with feelings of insecurity for many years, I am painfully aware of how insecurity can contribute to self-deception. Our need for security says Manning is one of the three desires (the other two are pleasure and power) that keeps us from choosing to live out the truth of God’s word. “It is these desires that prevent us from peeling off the filmy residue of our lives without God and prevent transparency.” 59

 

He suggests that our hunger for security “is mostly a matter of our emotional programming.” External circumstances or actions of other people are not primarily develop insecurity in us. An interesting thought even if I am not totally sure I agree with him. But then I read the following,

 

“What keeps me feeling insecure are my addictive emotional needs, which must always be satisfied. When reality does not live up to my expectations, I become frustrated, angry, bitter, anxious and resentful.” 60 The Importance of Being Foolish

I would like to think that as I have matured, emotionally as a person and in my walk with Christ, I am learning to rest and be content with a life I cannot control. Yet, how easily insecurity can raise its ugly head and demand my attention!

 

Grace and peace. There is calmness and a steadiness as I am held in Your arms. Your embrace makes me secure. With your grace and peace, a stillness caresses my soul, touches my heart and helps me to stop resisting, stop striving and relax. I can release my need to control, my obsession with hurry and simply enjoy You as my Father in heaven. Keep looking to Jesus, the captain of my soul, the pioneer of my faith and you will receive stability and support. Amen!

Transparency

Brennan Manning says that Christians should be “windows to God’s work” and therefore to be transparent.  “Transparency is the epiphany of our life in Christ.” Christians should be honest and sincere. Why are we not transparent?  Manning writes:

 

“Often our preoccupation with the three most basic human desires—security, pleasure and power—is the cloak that covers transparency. The endless struggle for enough money, good feelings and prestige yields a rich harvest of worry, frustration, suspicion, anger, jealousy, anxiety, fear and resentment.” 38

 

  Manning quotes Merton when he writes,

 

“What the gospel offers us . . . the grace to courageously accept the bitter truth that is revealed to us; to abandon our inertia, our egoism and submit entirely to the demands of the Spirit, praying earnestly for help, and giving ourselves generously to every effort asked of us by God.” 47

 

At the same time as I read the above, I am also reading, Accountable Discipleship by Manskar in which he writes about the need for “regular mutual accountability” as a “means of preventing self-deception and keeping our discipleship aligned with Christ.” 18  I have been in more accountability relationships than in accountability groups. Even in accountability relationships, it is not easy to maintain transparency.  For accountability  to work, there needs to be mutual accountability.  Transparency and accountability are topics that are easy to talk about but difficult to practice on a regular basis.  I wonder if many in the church hide what their life is truly like because we fear being exposed, fear being rejected.  And yet, when the light comes, the power of the darkness is broken!  My conclusion: transparency needs to begin with me and can only be maintained by living in community.

Chosen

Most of my reading in the last few years has been in the gospels and so it has been a delight to start reading in Ephesians during the last week.  Reflecting on Eph 1: 1-5 yesterday and the spiritual blessings that God has blessed us with.  All necessary resources to live the Christian life, gifts.  He has given us all we need–all gifts, all powers we need as believers.  I lack nothing in terms of blessings–perhaps that which follows verse 4 is an expansion or explanation of His blessings!

He chose us–He wanted me!!  Remember, this happened while we were yet sinners.  His choice is unfathomable, inscrutable.  I would never have chosen me–He saw something in me that was not yet there–He saw me as a creature with possibility of giving glory and praise back to the Father.  It is easy for me to remember the times when I was rejected or not chosen, not invited but the more important thing to remember is that God the Father has chosen me!  And if he chose me, how can I not accept the fact that I am accepted?  Why is His embrace so uncomfortable at time? Why do I wiggle and squirm underneath His love.  He never smothers, He never demands–His love brings freedom–Yes, God, you truly want the best for me.

He chose me–this is not a competition.  If he chose me, it does not mean that others were not chosen??

He chose me–why? sheer undeserved grace! No merit, totally a gift and a gift that is life transforming.

he chose me–I will never be alone again

he chose me–good things are going to happen

He chose me–yet I must respond to his love.  He did it all. He turned me around.  He gave me eyes to see and ears to hear–the opportunity lies before me–what choice will I make.  Freedom to willfully say no? To refuse Him who is speaking? To resist His will? To thwart his will and choosing?  Hmmmm Do I hear His call? His voice?  Will I listen?  Am I willing to be changed? Yes, yes and yes1

he chose us–it was not just me but all who are part of his body–it is never about us but about him.  we all start at the same place–none are more worthy of his love and grace–none gain it any other way than by grace.  No need to compare with others or put myself down!  Others have been liberated just as I am

he chose me–and those who do not yet understand this?  what is my role? what message will unlock their hearts?  non if he is not at work.  wait and pray until the doors of opportunity open.  There is a purpose in his choosing, a method in his madness.  he chose me–to be holy and unblemished

Leisure

I enjoyed this poem that I read last night by W.H. Davies in Good Poems by Garrison Keillor.

What is life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare?

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheeps or cows.

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care

We have no time to stand and stare.

I think Buchanan would agree with this poem when he suggests that we need times of play. “What about spending some of the day in sheer unapologetic uselessness– not just ceasing from our utilitarian existence, but turning it right on its head? What about spending time producing nothing but adrenaline, laughter, memories?”

Comments?

A church that gets it

The church we attended yesterday is one that gets it. As they say on their website, “We are a church of real people being transformed by a real God.  We exist to invite people into a relationship with Jesus that develops into a life of devotion to God and ministry to others.”   They have a genuine focus on spiritual formation and discipleship.  Their lively worship experience combines traditional and contemporary music but does not neglect the need for silence and reflection.  Christ honoring testimony of what is happening as folks step out in faith. I am going to be excited to see the impact they have on their community and city as they continue their pursuit of  God!

Here are a couple of nice quotes from Pastor Chris Breuninger’s sermon on Eph 3:14-21.  These are my notes so maybe I didn’t get the wording exact!

God is the power we need to live life well.  His strength comes as we pray.

The community of faith becomes our support system when we encounter disappointments in life.

May we be mesmerized, captured and transfixed by the love of God so that there is a conspiracy of God’s love at work.  He enfleshes His love through us because we ourselves have been transformed by His love.

When I am filled up with His love and know the love of Christ, God becomes bigger and and my self becomes less. It is for His glory and our gladness.

I am grateful to God for this brief glimpse of His body at work.  You can look at the church’s website and listen to messages  at plcc.org

Self-deception keeps us from seeing the truth

Started reading The Importance of Being Foolish by Brennan Manning, which was a gift for my birthday. His first chapter has some biting comments on truth. Manning says that Jesus “has a relentless passion for the truth but the body of truth is bleeding from a thousand wounds.” He talks about the need for truth within the church and explains:

Many of us have been lying to ourselves for so long that our comforting illusions and rationalizations have assumed a patina of truth; we clutch them to our hearts the way a child clutches a favorite teddy bear.

The first step in the pursuit of truth . . . is the decision to stop deceiving ourselves. Self-deception is the enemy of wholeness because it prevents us from seeing ourselves as we really are.

The devil is the great illusionist. He prompts us to give importance to what has no importance; he clothes with a false glitter what is least substantial and turns us away from what is surpassingly real. He causes us to live in a world of delusion, unreality, and shadows. 12-13

The demands of the gospel bring us to the vivid awareness of our weakness and imperfection. They stun us, reduce our overestimation of ourselves, and make us realize how limited we are. This realization–when we allow it to infiltrate our hearts–keeps us from smugness, complacency and the self-sufficiency that poisons spirituality. 25-26

There is a lot to consider in these words but the challenge I am considering is to answer the following, “what are the ways in which I continue to be self-deceived?” A critical component of my journey to healing has been the self-insight given to me by the Holy Spirit and a community of believers around me. I asked the Lord this morning to make me aware of any areas that I have kept hidden from His touch. I am grateful that I can trust Him to bring awareness to me of those things that need to be addressed so I can avoid an unhealthy introspective attitude. I am also aware of how God uses others in my life to sharpen me so I need to continue in community and not withdraw, as I tend to do. There is nothing to fear from an honest appraisal of one’s life when grace is involved.

I suspect Manning’s book will generate more reflection in the weeks ahead.

The danger of legalism

In going back through “The Rest of God” by Mark Buchanan,  I looked over his comments about legalism and thought them worth sharing.  It will be interesting to see what kind (if any) of comments his words raise among some of you.  Buchanan , in writing about the danger of legalism when keeping the Sabbath, says:

Legalism is the reduction of life to mere technicalities.  It substitutes code for conscience, ritual for worship, rectitude for holiness, morality for purity.

The attraction of legalism is that, despite all its complexity, it’s mindless.  It requires little or no personal engagement. . . .It need draw nothing from your heart, your mind, your strength, your soul.

And the attraction of legalism is its inherent rewards.  Legalism feels good in a perverse sort of way.  It strokes our egos, fills us with the pleasure of achievement. . . . And it’s even better if we accomplish this where others have failed. . . . The secret impetus behind legalism is its competitiveness.  107-8

After reading this, I began to consider how and where legalism touches me!  I know I have used legalism to control others.  I tend to get legalistic about those things that come easy for me or those areas in which I have developed some life habits.  Some, (not all) of the spiritual disciplines fall into this category.  Spiritual reading, journaling, reading, exercise, silent retreats are just a few others that fall into the pride infested camp of legalism for me.  Where does legalism infect your life?

Freedom in Structure

Last week, I spent three days in a course on dialogue education which is based on Learning to Listen, Learning to Teach by Jane Vella. The course was offered by Global Learning Partners. Each of the five participants brought a learning design that we wanted to refine using the principles we had learned in the basic dialogue education course that we had attended. It was great to be with a wide range of people and to see their passion that real learning takes place in the various training they offered and classes which are taught. Well, I learned an unexpected lesson about myself on the last day.

On the last day, our facilitator, Peter, was leading at time of reflection on what we had learned and looking over various learning maxims that the five of us were taking away with us. As soon as he sends me the summary of these, I will write about them. Peter told us how Jane Vella is proud of the structure that is present in the dialogue education approach that Global Partners is now teaching. And then he said, “In structure, there is freedom.” Now what he did not mean is that we are so rigidly tied down to our structure that it does not matter what needs arrive with our learners. In fact, a key component of Learning to Listen, Learning to Teach is that any course we design should respect and take into consideration the experiences and needs of those attending. Most of the hard work is done in creating a learning design that makes the learners decision makers and places a great deal of emphasis on “doing” what you are learning.

What I discovered upon reflection is that I have stubbornly resisted structure, not wanting to be tied down to a learning plan or design. I don’t mean I didn’t prepare because I am almost obsessive (ok, delete the almost) about preparing. Why has structure been so hard for me? Perhaps it has related to my rebellion against authority. I resisted being told what to do. Partly, I truly wanted to be listening to the Spirit as I taught and lead and not rely on my own human preparation. But where there is structure, there is freedom. Does that sound contradictory with 2 Cor 3:18, “Now where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” I don’t think so. As I have a structure to my learning design and lesson, I can be relaxed and confident. In dialogue education, it is not about me, it is not about impressing people with how much I know, it is about provide a program in which people have the opportunity to choose (or not) to learn, it is providing a scaffolding so that learning can take place.  When there is structure, I can give more attention to the learners and even have the freedom to adjust the design as the course proceeds. I am not sure I have fully explored what is going on inside of me about this but thanks for reading my thoughts. Has anyone else had an insight like my own here?

Work and obsession

As a recovering workaholic, I have to mention how Mark Buchanan in The Rest of God describes himself and the work that he loves.

In a word, I’m obsessed.

This is good some days, but most days it’s not. It produces the complete reversal of what I intend. I intend to do my work with excellence. I intend to solve problems diligently, preach fervently, care compassionately. I intend to be heartfelt and skillful in the things to which I put my hand. But I sometimes end up with none of that. I end up withered. I spark with dry static. When I’m really tired, I get mildly paranoid. I suspect conspiracies afoot. I start to distrust people. I resent interruptions. I stop caring. I become a master of diversions. I get sloppy and cagey and prickly and forgetful. I clench my jaw too much, which gives me headaches, which makes me irritable. I winch my shoulders, as if I’m poising to batter-ram open a door in the manner of the old-style cop, which makes the muscles along my neck and back rigid and spasmodic. 146

Buchanan must have been in my office watching me because he describes me much too well. The problem is that when you are in the midst of this kind of obsession (about work or anything else), there seems to be a blindness about the situation. As Freudenberger says, “Denial intensifies that which is being denied.” Although I am sad that it took a near collapse on my part to discover my own obsessiveness (compulsiveness, addiction–whatever), I am grateful for the healing road that I have been traveling. Could I fall back into those unintended consequences that obsession brings? Certainly, but as I stay in community with God and others and practice a healthy lifestyle, I believe the possibility is much less. Freudenberger in Burnout describes what happens.

People who burn out seldom take time for that quality of aloneness. They’re caught up in a whirlwind of activities which they undertook initially because of their abundance of energy, but which have become self-generating and often as useless as they are taxing.” 125

Often, people get on treadmills like these because there’s something they wish to avoid. Some area of their life is fundamentally wrong, but they either don’t know how to deal with it or believe they had better not. 126

While it is not easy to face areas of struggle within that we formerly denied, it is worth it. May God bring companions around you all on your journey that will speak truth into your life and walk the paths of recovery that are needed.

My obligation is to come back restored

We returned to the U.S. almost two years ago and we were tired.  It was a tiredness that was unhealthy and dangerous.  For me, I was worn out, burned out and depressed.  My wife was exhausted in carrying out her full-time teaching responsibilities and at the same time, trying to care for her husband.  It has taken most of the last two years for me  to recover from my self-inflicted wounds.  As I said to our small group last night, “When my ability to perform was removed, I began to seek God.”  There have been times of restlessness during this season of silence and reduced activity.

How many times I have heard, “You deserve a break”? Maybe I needed one but I certainly did not deserve one. There are many people who work a lot harder and live in more stressful situations than we do and they are unable to stop or slow down.  so, this break that we have been given is truly a gift.   Buchanan writes about the gift he received when he was given a sabbatical.

It’s pure gift, like being born in peacetime and not war, like being forgiven, or kissed, or told you have beautiful eyes.  I never earned a minute of it. I don’t deserve a scrap of it.

Our first year in the U.S. was our normal home assignment which had certain responsibilities and expectations. Technically, this last year has been designated a study leave and indeed I have been studying.  We could have returned last year but it would have been foolish at that point–we were really not ready to return.  So, this gift of an extra year living here on study leave ( a bit like a sabbatical) has been what we have needed.  On a recent trip, I finally figured it out. Buchanan’s words about his sabbatical, helped me to “get it”.

“But I feel deeply obliged to the people in my church who have allowed me it.  Obliged, not to come back smarter, or thinner, or more eloquent, or more studied up, though all that could help.  the obligation I feel is not to pay them back.”

The obligation I feel, rather, is to come back restored.

Wow!  I want and need to come back restored but I also realize that this restoration happens within community and by God’s power at work in me.  God has provided this time to be restored through the generosity of our churches and supporting partners.  Seeing this now, has made me deeply grateful.  I hope it will free me up to enjoy the remaining months of our study leave.  Here is the question that Buchanan asked himself about his sabbatical and which now stands before me, “If I believe that I’m to go back restored, in what ways am I sick now?  And how have I grown content with that?”  (Buchanan had been discussing the healing of the blind man and the question that Jesus asked, “Do you want to get well?”)   This deserves more reflection on my part and hopefully will be seen in future blogs.

Always looking down the road

We have been traveling around Vermont for the past few days and finding a place to sleep as we were getting tired.  On Sunday night we ended up at what has to be one of the most scenic lodges in Vermont.  Since it is off-season, the lady at the front desk asked me, “I suppose you would like a luxury room with a view of the mountains and lake?”  And then, she gave me a price that was half of what had been quoted me earlier, one that we could not refuse.  We quickly decided to stay two nights!  We are truly relaxing and enjoying ourselves.  But . . . it is hard for me to live in the moment.  One the way here, I was thinking about getting here rather than enjoying the journey.  Once we arrived here, I began thinking about the golf course I played yesterday.  Now, that we stayed an extra day, I am thinking about what time we have to check out and the two hour drive and the course that starts tomorrow.  And wondering how or when or if we will ever come back here?

When will I ever learn?  I did get up this morning before 6 and just sat and enjoyed the sun rising over the mountains.  I am going to go sit in the sun now and not accomplish anything!   Buchanan asked the following questions the other day in his book, “But do you play enough? Do you risk enough and bask in God’s creation enough and do some things  for no other reason than that you’ll be dead soon enough anyhow, so why not live a little now?” 138

what to do with anger

Are emotions neutral?  If I believe that anger is a secondary emotion, hurt the primary emotion and hurt usually occurring because there is a loss of something, what do I do with my anger?  My tendency, historically, has been to stuff my emotions, which is not healthy.  Neither is it  appropriate (or healthy) to  express my emotions with disregard for others.  If I cannot control (as in determine whether or not they occur) my feelings, what do I do with them?

While we are taking a few days off, I asked my wife about this–in our relationship.  This may not work in all relationships.  She wife suggested that we need to evaluate how important the hurt is and if it is important then we should tell the other person, lest it eat us up inside and grow to something bigger–spread to bitterness.  Certainly, Mtt 18:15 would agree with this since we are to go to our brother if has sinned against us (Mtt 18:15).  Of course we are to forgive him (or her) for an unlimited number of offenses (490 times in Mtt 18:21-22) and forgive even if they have not asked for forgiveness.

But most things are not that important in and of themselves and can and should be overlooked.  Luke tells us that we are to pray for those who mistreat us (Luke 6:28).  We are to bear with one another’s burdens–look past their faults Col 3:13 and Eph 4:2  (see also Romans 12:10, 16) In Mk 11:25 as we pray, we are to forgive “if you hold anything against anyone”.  Okay, but how do I do this without being dishonest about feelings–ie stuffing them.  My wife said what she has been doing is to use the small hurts as an opportunity to pray for others.  So, when I fail to put the dishes away, she thanks the Lord that I am eating and that we have food.  When our children do not respond to us when we want to talk with them,  she expresses gratitude to the Lord that we even have children and prays for whatever might be bothering them.  You encounter a bad driver and pray for the stress they are undergoing that causes them to think they have to get somewhere so quickly! So, she is not denying the feelings of frustration or irritation but is using them as opportunities to practice the presence of the Lord moment by moment.

I will be working on this in the coming days and suspect that I will have many opportunities before I get home!

On anger

Reading over Mark 11:15-19 where Jesus was angry at the temple being used as a market place.   Some observations:

• His anger was carefully considered.  The day before he had gone into the temple and looked all around (11:10-11).  Then, the next day when he arrived, he knew what needed to be done.  In this context, his cursing of the fig tree on the way to the temple is more problematic.  If this story was about me, I would say that I had seen something the night before and in the morning I woke up and was angry and ready to do something about it.  Had the unfortunate fig tree happened to be on my way and not met my need for figs, if I had the power, I might have blown it away too.  But, of course, this is Jesus, who never sinned and his anger was holy and pure.  Unfortunately, that is so far from my own anger.  Yesterday, I became angry twice.  More on this later.