A journey to sobriety

Last night, we started our small group sharing about some of our heroes. I am so proud of how one of my heroes is battling for his life and here is part of his story. Posted with his permission.

Monday 23rd April brought to a close the 9th week I have spent attending 3 two hour sessions and a one-on-one session per week at a group therapy center for alcohol addiction. This marks the end of my out-patient therapy that has helped me to a life of sobriety the past 9 weeks. This is only the end of Phase 1 of my journey to life-long sobriety or till Christ calls me home.

Over the last 5 weeks I have voluntary attended a 1 hour and 30 minute meeting at an Alcoholics Anonymous group. The group focuses particularly on the understanding and implementing of the 12 Step Program. Every week they study one of the 12 steps. I was fortunate to begin when they started on the 1st step for the umpteenth time. A person normally reads and expounds the meaning of the step, after which, the floor is open to anyone who wants to speak on the particular step under discussion. I find this approach extremely helpful and highly motivating. So far I have admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life became unmanageable. I came to believe that God alone could restore me to sanity. I then made a decision to turn my life over to the Care of God, the God revealed in the Holy Scriptures. Since then I have experienced peace with God and with my family.

The meetings at AA motivate and encourage me to remain sober. They also give me the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life. Among those I have met and befriended thus far are 2 business men who are deeply convicted of their need of God, the highest Power on which we are called to rely upon to remain sober. The group allows me to make a new circle of friends outside that of family and my church. It has also allowed me to meet people who have opened my eyes to the possibilities for future ministry.

As I journey along this road of sobriety, which is the only way to live, I plan to make the AA meeting a weekly habit. I will also be attending an After Care Group for 3 months.

The Lord has rescued me from certain destruction and death. He has helped us as family through this time of crisis. You have also been supportive and encouraged me along this path. By God’s Grace and through His Mercy I plan to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. As God gives me grace I plan to make a list of all the people I have harmed and make amends to all of them.

Having had this spiritual awakening, I will live the rest of my days for his Glory and carry the message of sobriety to others to whom He leads me. I also plan to practice the 12 steps, which I find entirely consistent with the God’s word in all my daily affairs as God enables me.

Another thought on the fig tree

Was he saying, “If you don’t serve the master, you will not serve anyone.”

He was hungry

I have been reflecting on Mark 11:11-14 over the last week. Some thoughts on “he was hungry”

He really was hungry–this helps me to identify with Jesus and he with me. He understands because he experienced all the various kinds of pressures that I face–yet without sinning (Heb 4:15; 12:3-4). Question: My understanding is that he had no sin nature–according to Rom 5:12-21, since the sin nature was passed on through the Father. Does his lack of sin nature somehow diminish his ability to resist sin?

He was hungry–he had a need (like I do), his stomach grumbled. He wanted some pita and hummus, he could smell the frying fish nearby. Why was he hungry? Did they leave early? they and arrived late–was he grumpy?

Is my image of Jesus one of an emotionless, intellectual, distant–someone that is very smart and makes you uncomfortable because they can see right through you? But he was winsome, he made people feel comfortable. Van Kaam says that we can see Jesus as gentle when he calls his disciples, “my little children.”

“He wants to let them know that he really feels what they are feeling, . . .. . . In the face of Jesus gentleness, I feel embarrassed by my abruptness. How often do I bring people unpleasant tidings without delicacy and compassion? Rarely do I take time to put myself in their place. I do not really try to feel what they are feeling. I give it to them straight, secretly proud of my no-nonsense approach. I harden my heart and become less like him who lovingly dwells in me.”

He was hungry–when I get hungry, I tend to focus on myself, low blood sugar, irritable. When I am hungry, I realize how important food is to me, how much I crave it, how much it is often an idol to me. Since Jesus focused upon doing only the will of the Father, was food unimportant to him? Utilitarian only? Something that must be done–like some people I know for whom eating is something that they must tolerate so they can get on to something more important. I cannot imagine Jesus like that–not in his culture in which food and feasting is tied in with relationships–remember the wedding of Cana or the Prodigal son!

He was hungry–was he looking for food? Grain in the fields, fruit trees? His eyes were looking around for something to eat yet I cannot believe the he was not present in the moment. He was not thinking about what he would do and talk about once he found something to eat–like I often do. Food becomes my all consuming pre-occupation at times.

He was hungry–if he was, likely so were his disciples. As their leader, it was his responsibility to feed them or were they supposed to take care of him and he was disappointed in them? Hard to imagine the ladies in Bethany feeding them. There was no way according to Philippians 2 that he was only concerned with his own hunger and needs to the exclusion of others–self-centered which often happens to me when I am hungry. I remember when I have forgetten the purpose of the dinner or conversation when I feel hungry, I am just tolerating the prelude until my stomach is full.

He was hungry–his need was real. he felt a genuine ache. If that happened to him was he addicted to coffee or tea? Could he do without? Me?

he as hungry–he saw a fig tree a long way off. He was aware of his world–fig trees, plums, pears, apples, whatever fruit trees they had, He was much more in touch with the ground than most of us are in this part of the world. There was anticipated joy in the fruit of the fig tree–did his mouth water? Did he pick up his pace a little after seeing the tree? Did he say, look how the Father has provided? Was he the first to see the tree?

he was hungry–but it was not the season for figs. When he approached the tree, he likely knew what kind of tree it was from afar and saw upon approaching it, that there were no fruits. Would he also have known that it was not the season? If so, why did he continue approaching the tree? Did he have good eyesight? Probably.

He was hungry–it was not the season for figs. Was this a comment about this particular fig tree, that for some reason, it was not bearing fruit? What time of year was it? I want there to be something wrong with this tree. I need it to be not functioning according to its role. It is important to me that Jesus did not curse a fig tree that should not have been expected to be fruit bearing at this point. But I don’t know, I can only guess the reason. So final–may no one ever eat from you again. Seems unfair. I know he was not showing off to his disciples–they did hear him cursing the tree.

Okay, Lord, I need to stop this and I will trust  you  even tho I don’t understand. That is okay. I know you are teaching me that amazing things can happen when there is faith, that you want me to be fruit bearing, that the Lord Jesus was never selfish, never angry for the wrong reasons. He was smart, intelligent, compassionate and always carried a deep sense of who he was and where he stood in the Father’s plan–may I be like you Jesus!

Why can’t I have what I want?

Not too long ago, I became frustrated with some folks when I was unable to convince them of the brilliance of my idea (ha, ha!). At the time what bothered me was my inability to bring about change but afterwards, what bothered me was my own attitude. I suspected that behind this attitude was my desire to control (quickly confirmed by my wife, I will say). I really have made a lot of progress in this area and yet here the ugly head of the “desire to control” had popped up once again.

While watching Rob Bell’s Kickball video and during the ensuing discussion centered around step 1 of the twelve steps, “We admitted we were powerless over ____________ (alcohol, work, drugs, etc.)–that our lives had become unmanageable, some things clicked for me.

As a recovering workaholic, I have had to come to the realization that I am powerless to make things work. I am powerless to fix programs, convince people that my ideas are correct, build a perfect organization. To say that life becomes unmanageable when I am living as a workaholic is an understatement. What is happening when I insist that thing be done my way? What am I thinking when I ask, “why can’t I have what I want?”

Well, Rob Bell asked two questions in his video, “Do I believe that God is good?” Of course, I do! Then “why”, asked Bell, “do I think something would be better with me in control? Is there really something better waiting?”

If I missed getting his words perfectly, my apologies. However, I now see that when I am powerless to bring about change, convince others, achieve perfection, my own peace can come by surrendering and letting go control to God. It may not be the best time for my ideas. I (or others) may not be ready. There may be better reasons for not doing something in the ideal way. So, as I let go of my need for perfection and control, peace comes and I am able once again to enjoy each moment of life. Thank you God.

As I write this, I am reminded of Buchanan’s golden rule for the Sabbath: Cease from what is necessary. Embrace that which gives life. Letting go means not picking up a lot of things that could be done and taking the opportunities that come my way for life!

I remained silent

While getting dressed in the locker room the other day, I heard someone attempt to comfort a gentleman, who had been battling with cancer, by telling him that there is life after death. The sick man responded with something like this, “Well, I would prefer to go on living since as far as I know, no one has ever died and come back to life to tell us that death is not so bad.”

I was silent.

Fortunately, another man spoke up nearby and said that there was someone else who died and came back to life–”Elijah or Elisha in the Old Testament, I can’t remember which.”

I remained silent.

This morning I read Mark 11:1-11, the triumphal entry of the Lord Jesus into Jerusalem. What struck me was verse 9 in which Mark tells us, “Both those who went ahead and those who followed, kept on shouting, Hosanna.”

Hosanna originally meant, “O Lord, save us”, but likely by the time of Jesus had become equivalent to something like, “Hail to the King.” Before Jesus arrived and after He had passed, they kept on shouting, “Hosanna”. No one was silent that day.

My mind travels to Romans 1:16 in which Paul proclaims that he is not ashamed of the gospel that has the power to save and bring about life transformation for all who believe in it. And I am flooded with thoughts like, “Am I ashamed of my king? Would I throw down my cloak before him on the ground to honor him? Would I be brave enough to go into town and take a colt for my master and believe that I would not be arrested as a thief?”

The Lord does not need anything from me but he does want my life, my gifts and talents, my energies, my thoughts, my longings and desires, my heart, my mind, my body, my family, my resources, my ambitions. As I throw everything at the feet of my master and my king, maybe I will not be silent the next time.

The Splendor of Your Presence

Here is a poem from Practicing the Prayer of Presence by Adrian van Kaam and Susan Muto that I read last week. I have been anything but gentle of late and there is a restlessness within me that I don’t like these days. As a new journey lies ahead, the following line is one that I need to pray every day! “Free me from the need for achievement. Make my life less forceful, more gentle, Centered in you alone.”

The Splendor of Your Presence
by Susan Muto and Adrian van Kaam

Lord,
You want me to learn from you
Gentleness of heart.
No matter how I fail you,
Your gentleness never fails me.
You are slow to anger;
Your kindness is without limit.
You tell me not to be distressed,
To make your gentleness my own
So that my soul may find rest.
Give me the wisdom to make time in my day
For a gentle nursing of my soul.
Free me from arrogance,
From goals too sublime for me.
Still and quiet my soul
As a mother quiets the little ones on her lap.
Free me from the need for achievement.
Make my life less forceful, more gentle,
Centered in you alone.
Let the splendor of your presence
Light up my everydayness.
Make me a smooth channel for the outflow
Of your Divine Will in this world.
Let me move gently
In the omnipresence of the Divine.
Harmonize my frail spirit with the Infinite Spirit
Who fills the universe and its history.
Love of my Lord,
Invade my soul and melt away any trace of vehemence.

Past triumphs don’t guarantee future victories

In a sermon on 1 Samuel 25 about David, Abigail and Nabal, Alan Redpath provides the following warning:

This story tells me that however long I may have been on the Christian path, however often I may have overcome one temptation or another, however many times I have defeated sin in one area, it can strike in another and crush me in a moment. I may have overcome great temptation by the grace of God; I may have stood my ground against the fierce onslaught of the enemy in one way or another and yet be tripped up by the smallest pin prick that gets under my skin.

The victories which I win–by the grace of God and through the power of the blood of Jesus–cannot impart strength to me for the future. No spiritual triumph in my life can give me power to resist the devil the next time he comes. There is nothing so sinful but that I may fall to it at any time, unless moment by moment I am being kept in His love. To show restraint in dealing with one person who has been unkind, highhanded, hateful, is no guarantee that an unguarded moment may not come when I will say, “I am going to wreak my vengeance on this person,” especially if it is someone to whom I think I am superior.

How tragic it is that years after years of Christian experience, men and women, saved by God’s grace, redeemed by Jesus’ blood, indwelt by the Holy Spirit, fall into a silly little trap like that and ruin their testimony!

I think what Abigail said that captured David’s heart is found in 1Sam 25:29 “Even though someone is pursuing you to take your life, the life of my master will be bound securely in the bundle of the living by the LORD your God. But the lives of your enemies he will hurl away as from the pocket of a sling.” (NIV)

David did the right thing in 1 Samuel 25 but at the end of his life, David told Solomon in 1 Kings 2–it’s pay back time now that my son is in charge. A sad ending.

God desires intimacy with me!

I have just started to re-read Gary Moon’s Falling for God and I am seeing new things, particularly as I discuss it with a friend. Moon says the big idea of the book is this: “Restoration of the soul–change that leads to abundant life in Christ and the emotions of love, joy, and peace–happens as we cultivate a passionate relationship with God.” I knew that, some of us might say but if we are honest, not many of us are too good about developing our intimacy with the Father, Son and Spirit. Since I have been praying for some prodigals, when he personalized the story, it had quite an impact on me. Here are some words out of his first chapter:

Could it be that the Creator of the entire Universe aches with anticipation that I might return home to his presence? Could he really be facing in my direction with outstretched arms, calling my name, waving for me to come back home? 14

Because I know this story is timeless, I can confess to God and to you that my soul is darkly stained by the choice of Adam and Eve. I’ve made the same wrong choice, and continue to make it, hundreds of times each day. Even though I’ve read the script written by the prodigal son, I continue to play his role myself. 16

Yet I sense that I am loved–in this very moment–beyond what my mind can possibly contain. Not only is my homesickness for loving community a homing device that calls to my soul, but also, I truly believe, God is homesick for me, and desires to spend endless amounts of his time with me, talking with me, and just being with me for the joy of relationship. In this I place my hope–in his desire for intimacy with me. 16-17

What kind of love is this? A love stronger than my fear and arrogance. Eventually I will become so transformed by his desire for relationship that I will want to stay home forever. I will feel the change of inner transformation. . . 17

God, my Daddy, is Fall-proofing my soul for all eternity by his desire for intimacy, his delirious love, and his offer of relationship. He wants to hug me so tightly that we become one and I never again choose to run. He wants the same for you. 17

Old clay pots

This came out of a reflection on John 2. I started the poem below and got stuck–maybe someone can help finish it. Actually, I made two attempts and I am combining both of them here. I really wanted to take some clay in my hands and create a pot but these words are all I can offer.

Fill the clay pots with water, he said.
Who is this guy? I don’t know.
She just said, “do whatever he says.”
And so we did. A miracle in time.

Just some old clay pots
Receptacles of water
Springs for a miracle
Water turned to wine
My life transformed by You

Old clay pots
That’s you and me
Cracked and broken
Old clay pots we’ll always be
Stained with time, full of eternity
Nothing beautiful yet full of glory
The ordinary becomes the extraordinary
From the potters wheel and the masters touch

Old clay pots
Full of water
Ready for a miracle
Water into wine

Old clay pots
Broken and scarred
Ready for a miracle
Holding new wine

Old clay pots
Now full of the vine

Water into wine

A few random thoughts as I reflected on Jn 2:1-11 over the last few days.  Other insights are welcome.

v2 “invited to the wedding” Jesus entered into the ordinary world of people, he lived his life within the confines of his network of relationships and the natural opportunities that life brought to him, he does not force himself on these folks.  Questions: how approachable am I?  how do i respond when invitations and opportunities come–not always so well?  do I make the most of opportunities that come my way?

v3 “they have no wine left” Mary was aware of the surroundings.  She knew of the need that existed.  Why did she tell this to Jesus? She obviously expected that he could help.  Some questions: Am I present in my world so that I see the needs that people around me have?  Do I tell Jesus?  Expect him to be involved? What is depleted in me and others? Do I care? What resources do I bring to others? In what way have I grown? Am I healthy? In what ways am I being creative?

v4 “Why are you saying this to me? My time has not yet come.”  It seems that Jesus did not have a miracle planned for the wedding at Cana!  Did he ask Mary because he wanted her to express faith, like blind Bartimaeus? Some questions:

Why are you telling me? What am I resisting? What do I fear? Where are my conflicts? What or who do I need to confront? Am I or have I been avoiding or neglecting responsibility?

v5 “Whatever he tells you, do it”   Remarkable statement by this amazing woman.  Even after Jesus appears to rebuff Mary, she has such trust in him that she is willing to go with whatever he decides to do.  Am I ready for this kind of radical obedience–to do whatever he tells me?

vv6-7 “filled the jars to the top with water”  there was no room for wine to be added!  reminds me of overflowing and abundant waters that will come to those who drink of Jesus (Jn 4:14).  consider the clay pots of 2 Cor 4:7, “But we have this treasure in clay jars so that the extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us.”  Am I full or half-empty? Full of supernatural wine or ordinary water?

v10 “You have kept the good wine until now.”  No one knew they were in the middle of the miracle as they drank their wine, only the servants.  how low-key his service, he did not need the testimony of man (Jn 2:24-25).   The best wine he saved until the last–What good things await in the future?  Where and what are the miracles in my life?  How will my life be different?  How is my life different?  What do I fear?  Where have I lost my way?  What are my passions?  What really irritates me? Why?

Choosing the way of littleness

“I must decrease so that He may increase”, said John the Baptist. To do this means that we take seriously Jesus’ command to “deny ourselves, take up the cross and follow him”, to take seriously Jesus’ example in which He voluntarily gave up the exercise of His rights. Mark Buchanan writes the following:

At root, the spiritual life consists in choosing the way of littleness. I become less so that Jesus might become greater. Its essence is No–No to ourselves, our impulses and our cravings, our acts of self-promotion and self-vindication, our use of power for its own sake. It calls us to deny ourselves possessions, rights, conquests that we’re tempted to claim just because we can. It is growing, day by day, into the same attitude that Christ had, and by exactly the same means: emptying ourselves, giving ourselves. It is refusing to grasp what we think is owed us and instead embracing what we think is beneath us.

Simply behold, in love and wonder, what you have strength to crush. Exercise power–power you might use otherwise–to serve, bless, protect. 101

I wish that I could do this once and be done with it.  Yet, I know it is a daily choice I must make–choosing His will, His desires and considering the needs of others as more important than those of my own.  At times, everything within me resists this and yet I know this is the path of joy and fulfillment.  I know that if I hold onto my life, I lose it and if I give it up, I will find it.   Buchanan gives a final challenge:

Do this: think of a situation where you have been tempted toward and maybe resorted to, the exercise of sheer power.

What would love look like?

What would servanthood?

Ask God to show you, and then do it.

Purpose of the Sabbath #2

Buchanan (The Rest of God) explains how Deuteronomy grounds the Sabbath in the liberation of the people of God from their taskmasters in Egypt or as he says:

Don’t revive what God has removed. 89

Because that’s what the refusal to rest amount to: living as though taskmasters still hover and glower, ever ready to thrash us for the smallest sign of slowing down. It is to strive and toil as though we have no choice, as if we’ll be punished otherwise. 90

To refuse the Sabbath is in effect to spurn the gift of freedom. It is to resume willingly what we once cried out for God to deliver us from. It is choosing what we once shunned.

Taskmasters despise rest. They create a culture where rest must be stolen, savored on the sly, and of course then it’s not rest: worry over getting caught plunders rest’s restfulness. 91

Taskmasters are masters of half-truth. They couch their harangue in just enough reality that the whole thing has the ring of authenticity. It’s true in part, what they say: there is no end of things to do. I am a touch on the lazy side and disguise this with busyness. There is a crowd of people disappointed with me, who find me, by turn, indecisive, despotic, timid, rash, evasive, blunt, foolhardy, wise in my own eyes, foot-dragging, impulsive. I do procrastinate overmuch and at the same time make too many snap decisions. Most of my life is unfinished. Many of my efforts are slapdash and slipshod. 92-93

But thank God that God could care less about our rights. What God cares about, and deeply, is our needs. And it’s this simple: you and I have an inescapable need for rest.

The rest of God . . . is not a reward for finishing. It’s not a bonus for work well done.

It’s sheer gift. It is a stop-work order in the midst of work that’s never complete, never polished. Sabbath is not the break we’re allocated at the tail end of completing all our tasks and chores, the fulfillment of all our obligations. It the rest we take smack-dab in the middle of them, without apology, without guilt, and for no better reason than God told us we could. 93

I have learned a little bit about the importance of resting when my body began to shut down after neglecting the rest God offers and prescribes. As I move out of this “God-imposed rest” into more activity and service, I do not want to go back under the old taskmasters and their half-lies. God has set us free–may we live in the freedom (of the Sabbath rest) He offers!

Double-mindedness #2

Kierkegaard gives another barrier to willing one thing–fear of punishment.   Willing the good out of fear of punishment produces double-mindedness in a way similar to willing the good for the sake of the reward.  We should fear doing wrong, says K but not fear punishment since punishment (the discipline of Hebrews 12?) can bring about healing just as medicine heals the sick.   K writes:

If what a man fears is not the mistake itself, but the reproach at being caught in the mistake, then that fear so far from helping him out of the error may even lead him into that which is still more ruinous, even if apart from this he had made no mistake. 80

And indeed, fear of punishment has made the sinner into a hypocrite, who in hypocrisy’s loathesome doubleness of mind pretended to love God (for the fear was to take the punishment in the wrong way), but it has never made him pure of heart.  82

Only one thing can help a man to will the Good in truth: the Good itself. Fear is a deceitful aid. It can embitter one’s pleasure, make life laborious and miserable, make one old and decrepit; but it cannot help one to the Good since fear itself has a false conception of the good . . . 84

For it is fear itself that weighs him down so that he cannot move from the spot.  It desires to lead him to the goal, and yet it is the fear itself that makes the goal terrifying. 85-86

Of a man who only wills the Good out of fear of punishment, it is necessary to say with special emphasis, that he fears what a man should not and ought not to fear: loss of money, loss of reputation, misjudgment by others, neglect, the world’s judgment, the ridicule of fools, the laughter of the frivolous, the cowardly whining of consideration, the inflated triviality of the moment, the fluttering mist-forms of vapor.  . . . he is continually intent upon what is in flux, upon what is changing, and he fears continually that which no man should fear. He fears that which has power to wound, maltreat, ruin or strike dead the body, but which has no power whatsoever over the soul unless it obtains it through fear.  88

If I am honest, there are many times that I choose to do that which is right out of fear of punishment for doing that which is wrong.  In doing so, am I truly resisting evil?  Or am I giving evil power that it does not possess in and of itself?  I am sure I have said, “whatever works”, with regard to avoiding sin and evil.  But when I will the Good out of fear of punishment, I am admitting my own double-mindedness.  I am really admitting a greater fear of man than God and a greater fear of the loss of what this world offers than a joy and delight in what God offers.  Yet, choosing the good is still better than choosing the evil, even if my motivation is improper, right? I need to think about this more.  Comments are welcome!

Purpose of the Sabbath

Mark Buchanan in The Rest of God points out that Exodus 20 and Deuteronomy 5 give two different reasons for the Sabbath.  Exodus invites to join God in rest as he originally did on the 7th day of creation.  He says:

. . .we mimic God in order to remember we’re not God.  In fact, that is a good definition of Sabbath, imitating God so that we stop trying to be God. . . .Sabbath-keeping involves a recognition of our own weakness and smallness, that we are made from dust, that we hold our treasures in clay jars, and that without proper care we break.” 87

We think we’re the exception, the one for whom busyness will translate into fruitfulness.  . . .–we think because our industry and ingenuity seem boundless, we can also figure out a way around our God-imposed need for stillness.  We can’t. The need is not conjured away by medication, technology, discipline, cleverness, sheer willfulness. 88

God commands that we imitate him in order to discover that we’re not him, and that we need him. 88

Well, I know Buchanan is correct because I have tried to live life without rest and stillness and it eventually caught up with me.  When I allowed myself to get out of a rhythm of silence and rest for even one week (which I have done in the last week), I pay the price–tension in my body, critical attitudes, selfishness.  I have to be honest, getting a little older has helped since that has forced me to slow down.  But, the battle continues–pride keeps rearing its ugly head telling me that I can do more, that I don’t need rest or silence, that people will be impressed by the volume of work I can do.  Thanks for the reminder today that I really do need you–help me not to miss you as I live this day!!

Double-mindedness #1

Double-mindedness says Kierkegaard is to will the good

for the sake of reward

out of fear of punishment.  Purity of Heart

He reminds us that the reward may be present or may be absent when we seek the good.  We are to walk with only the good before  our eyes (as opposed to the reward drawing us along).

Reminds me of Hebrews 11:6 which has become important to me in the last few years.  The author of Hebrews tells us that those who approach God “must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.”  This directly relates to my view of God.  The God of the Bible in whom I believe is also good, he loves to bless and give good gifts to his children.  God is not my harsh earthly father who reluctantly rewarded and yet in the midst of the reward made you feel that your good was not good enough–providing a drink but leaving you more thirsty than ever.   When I believe that I serve a God who rewards those who seek him brings to me a freedom and a joy in life.  I do not serve in order to win his approval or love!  May it never be!!  But, God’s fundamental character is that he loves to bless and reward those who seek him.  After all, my own seeking of God is only possible because of him taking the first initiative (1 Jn 4).

And yet….if I am serving (or seeking the good to use Kierkegaard’s words), for the sake of the reward, then something is wrong.  I am focused on seeking God above all else.  God is enough without any of his gifts.  Anytime I get my eyes off of God and they fall upon the potential benefits of following him now or in eternity to come, something begins to change.  My focus is no longer on the sheer joy of enjoying God while I run the race (when I run, I experience his pleasure), but on the finish line and what benefits will accrue to me once I finish.

Finishing the race is obviously very important and I certainly want to finish well like Paul (2 Tim 4:7-8).  In fact, helping leaders to finish well is a key part of God’s mission for my life.  Hebrews also talks about the men and women of faith who kept living by faith and in obedience even though they did not receive any reward in this life–they were looking ahead to what would come (heb 11:13-16, 35, 39, 40).   Their heavenly rewards certainly exceeded any of the pleasures that compromise might have brought to them.  But, I think what kept them going was not the thought of the reward in and of itself but the goodness, beauty and generosity of the rewarder.

If I am honest, there are times when I get discouraged by the sacrifices that are required to live the life to which God has called us.  When the discouragement comes, I like to read Mark 10:28-31 and Hebrews 11.  It is clear that rewards will come for those who have been faithful.  But, Lord, let me not become double-minded by willing good for the sake of the reward.  You are enough!

“Generous people generate things.”

I once told someone that I thought they were frugal when they attempted to save money by reducing the money required to feed a group of us. They were insulted and thought I was calling them stingy. Thanks to my wife, we managed to work it out. And, perhaps, the gift of a simple ride to the airport helped as well. I think Mark Buchanan’s eloquent words express what was on my heart in his book, The Rest of God, when he writes, “Generous people generate things.” He continues to write the following (on pages 83-84):

And, consequently, their worlds are more varied, surprising, colorful, fruitful.They’re richer. More abounds with them, and yet they have a greater thirst and deeper capacity to take it all in. The world delights the generous but seldom overwhelms them.

Not so the stingy. Stinginess is parasitic, it chews life up and spits out bones. The stingy end up losing what they try so desperately to hold. . . Hoarding is only wasting. Keeping turns into losing. And so the world of the stingy shrinks. . . . Because they are convinced there isn’t enough, there never is.

This all relates to Sabbath-keeping. Generous people have more time. That’s the irony: those who sanctify time and who give time away–who treat time as gift and not possession–have time in abundance. Contrariwise, those who guard every minute, resent every interruption, ration every moment, never have enough. They’re always late, always behind, always scrambling, always driven. . . .

I don’t think my friends were stingy when I called them frugal. It was clearly a cultural misunderstanding. But, I guess in the matter we were discussing, I don’t think they were being generous either. My daughter, who is a server at a local restaurant, picked up the bill for three friends who came in to eat a few weeks ago. She paid the full amount, received no discount or complimentary meal for them. She felt like being generous. Why? Well, according to my friend, she said that she had learned it from her dad. Wow, what a compliment! I don’t know that I would say that about myself. Oh yes, by the way, she did get the biggest tip of her young career from my friends! Buchanan says, “The taproot of generosity is spiritual”, and cites the example of the Macedonians in 2 Corinthians 8:5. He makes the following suggestion:

Give yourself first to God. Stop, now, and give yourself–your breath, your health or sickness, your thoughts, your intents, all of who you are–to him. And your time, that too. Acknowledge that every moment you receive is God’s sheer gift. Resolve never to turn it into possession. What you receive as gift you must be willing to impart as gift. Invite God to direct your paths, to lead you in the way everlasting; be open to holy interruption, divine appointment, Spirit ambush (and ask God to know the difference). Many are the plans in a man’s heart,” Proverbs says, “but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” (Proverbs 19:21). Surrender to his purpose with gladness. Vow not to resist or resent it.

Give yourself first to God.

Now the hard thing: give yourself to others. Enter this day with a deep resolve to actually spend time, even at times seemingly to squander it, for the sake of purposes beyond your own–indeed that occasionally subvert your own (remember the good Samaritan?). That person you think is a such a bore but who always wants to talk with you: Why not really listen to him? Why not give him, not just your time, but yourself–your attention, your affection, the gift of your curiosity and inquisitiveness?

In God’s economy, to redeem time, you might just have to waste some.

Try this for a week, giving of yourself first to God and then to others. Be generous with time.

See if your world isn’t larger by this time next week.

May I practice generosity this week! I need to begin by letting go of . . . and giving out . . .

Have mercy on me

The following was borne out of reflection on Mark 10:45-52.

Have mercy on me,
a cry borne out of desperation
and longing to be whole.
No one else can help me.
Lord, you know I’ve tried
and now, all I am left to do,
is to sit by the road, the dusty road, alone,
shouting for you,
to stop,
to listen ,
to show mercy.

So many voices trying to shut me up.
Pride and independence—I can do it on my own.
I don’t need anyone else.
What a joke!
Reduced to begging, a mockery of a man.
I’m not worthy, who am I?
Why should the teacher help me?
No power, no influence, no money,
no glory to be gained by listening to me.
Should I be quiet?
Remember my place?
My sin? My heritage?

No! A guttural cry,
borne out of desperation
and emerging faith.
Have mercy on me, have mercy on me.
There is no place else for me to turn.
I cannot be silenced.
I will not be silenced.
Have mercy on me, oh God.
Yes, on me, a sinner.
Your mercy is undeserved,
freely given,
indescribable,
my only hope for new life.
Please, just stop and listen to me!

Get up, you fool and be brave!
The teacher is calling you.
I almost fall on my face
as I jump off my mat.
With reckless abandon
I throw off my cloak
and drive forward those leading me.
to you,
to hope.

What do I want?
You to do?
For me?
I can hardly believe what I am hearing.
I want?
You to do?
For me?
Shouting, laughing, my words come tumbling out.
I want to see.
I want to see.
I want to see, again!

Living with purpose

Last week, a friend of mine that I respect, gave me the following quote from Lynn Miller, “Stewardship is the act of arranging your life so that God can spend you.” A great quote about living my life with purpose. Yet, what does it mean to arrange my life so that God can spend me?

Another friend told me about a former boss who was able to bring about significant change in their organization. My friend said his former boss was a driven man but his drivenness was a good kind of drivenness. My own drivenness has had many negative consequences for me and for others and so I was a bit confused trying to put together living purposefully, arranging my life so God can spend me and living with drivenness. Mark Buchanan in his book, The Rest of God helped me think about this topic. Buchanan warns:

“We should be a little uneasy about the pairing of purposefulness with drivenness.” He says, “A common characteristic of driven people is that, at some point, they forget the purpose. They lose the point. . . . Drivenness erodes purposefulness.” 77

Now, that resonates with me and explains much of my experience with drivenness and burnout. I forgot why I was doing what I was doing!

Maybe I like what Buchanan writes next because it appeals to my sense of time. He writes:

“The difference between living on purpose and being driven surfaces most clearly in what we do with time. The driven are fanatical time managers–time mongers, time herders, time hoarders. Living on purpose requires time management, true, but not the kind that turns brittle, that attempts to quarantine most of what makes life itself–the mess, the surprise, the breakdowns, the breakthroughs. Too much rigidity stifles purpose. I find the more I try to manage time, the more anxious I get about it.

And the more prone I am to lose my purpose.

The truly purposeful have an ironic secret: they manage time less and pay attention more. . .It’s that they notice. They’re fully awake.” 77-78

A few pages later he says, “Purposefulness requires paying attention and paying attention means–almost by definition–that we make room for surprise. We become hospitable to interruptions.” 80

Buchanan asks us, “Think a moment of all the events and encounters that have shaped you most deeply and lastingly. How many did you see coming? How many did you engineer, manufacture, chase down? And how many were interruptions?” 80

I know my answer to those questions, how about you?

A life well spent

Psalms 1:6a  “Certainly, the Lord rewards the behavior of the godly . . .”

Hebrews 11:6  ” . . . the one who approaches God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.”

1 John 4:19 “We love because he first loved us.”

Galatians 2:20  “I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me. So the life I now live in the body, I live because of the faithfulness of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

I Peter  1:18  “You know that from your empty way of life . . .you were ransomed, not be perishable things like silver or gold, but by precious blood . . . namely Christ.”

Mark 10:45 “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

I started out reading Psalms 1, went to Mark 10:35-45 today and ended up in 1 Peter.  John and James start out with a shocking question in 10:35 “Teacher, we want you to do for us, whatever we ask.”  Matthew20:20 tells us that their mother was behind this question but J & J are not innocent!   Jesus seems to respond without any defensiveness–”what do you want?”   After they tell him that they want high positions of power and authority (seated on his left and right in heaven), Jesus asks them if they are willing to go thru the suffering necessary before the glory to come (are you able to drink…?).  I don’t think they really get it since they seem to respond without thinking, “we are able” in verse 39.  Showing that no one is innocent in this mess, the other 10 disciples get mad when they hear what James and John have asked in v41!  I can imagine, “how dare you ask such a question?”  Sure seems like a power play in progress.

My mind went several places with this passage.  Jesus explains in verses 42-45 that the disciples do not understand spiritual leadership–it is not about you, it is about others, it is about service.  If you want to be great, to have a position of authority  and power under the Kingdom rule of Jesus, there must be a committment and a demonstration that your life has been given in service to others.

How grateful that I have been rescued from an empty way of life because of the Lord Jesus Christ. As 2 Cor 5:15 says, “And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” I will never regret my life if it is spent in obedience to Him  It will have been well spent, there will be rewards–some I will see here, others will come later but they will come because God is good and a rewarder.  And yet it always remains about him–even my love response to him is a response to his love for me.   I am really blown away as I think about all this. Have a great Easter week!