Hurry Sickness

I wrote about the perils of constant busyness yesterday. What are the consequences of being overly busy? It will demand that we hurry to get everything done we must do and if we don’t watch out, we can get “hurry sickness.” I don’t sense that Jesus was ever in a hurry. He always had a good sense of time. Anyone disagree with me?

John Ortberg, in his book, The Life You’ve Always Wanted to Live asked someone what he needed to do to be spiritually healthy. Their reply, “You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life. There is nothing else.” Ortberg later concludes,

“Hurry is not just a disordered schedule. Hurry is a disordered heart.” He then gives 6 signs of “hurry sickness.”

1. Constantly speeding up daily activities

2. Multi-tasking

3. Clutter

4. Superficiality

5. An inability to love

6. Sunset fatigue

I think Ortberg’s friend was correct, I must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life. That will likely mean that I have to reduce my level of busyness which will mean I need to say no a lot more, which is not easy for someone who is performance oriented, like myself. Well, I am not there yet but I have made some progress.

Who’s in charge here?

This post follows the previous one on busyness–again words from Mark Buchanan’s The Rest of God. Italics are from Buchanan.

“Indeed the worst hallucination busyness conjures is the conviction that I am God. All depends on me. How will the right things happen at the right time if I’m not pushing and pulling and watching and worrying?” 61

“If God works all things together for good for those who love him and are called to his purposes, you can relax. If he doesn’t, start worrying. If God can take any mess, any mishap, any wastage, any wreckage, anything, and choreograph beauty and meaning from it, then you can take a day off. If he can’t, get busy. Either God’s always at work , watching the city, building the house, or you need to try harder.”

Either God is good and in control, or it all depends on you.” 63

“One thing stops God dead in his tracks. It is paltry and flimsy, but tenacious enough to shatter all God’s advances. Even grace, abounding in our sin, cannot break it.

I speak of pride.

Pride usurps God. Pride inverts the universe’s deepest truth: that we need God and serve God. Pride gets this exactly backward. Pride is the delusion that God, if he exists, is awfully lucky I’ve shown up and should mind his p’s and q’s lest I change my mind.

The twin of pride is despair. It is to collapse into a sense that not even God is good enough or big enough or smart enough to sort out the mess I’ve made or stumbled upon. In despair we are consumed by the lie that God, if he exists, is too inept or distracted or apathetic to even notice us, let alone come to our aid.” 72

“Are you in the midst of a situation where, as you pray, you find yourself putting the problem first? If so, you’re starting where you should end. You’re rehearsing the problem, making it seem larger than it is, when what you need to do is rehearse God’s greatness and bigness. Then the problem shrinks to its right portions. . . .Today when you pray, start with God. Survey what he has made. Recite what he has done. Proclaim who he is.” 74-75

Busyness kills the heart

I have been slowly moving through The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan and it has been a treat. Since I am teaching next week on simplicity, I was looking back on what he says about busyness in his chapter called, “The Rest of God: Stopping to Find What’s Missing.”

Buchanan says, “the busy life murders our hearts” or when we are so busy, “something dies in us.” Warning: his words may bother you! Italics are his own. Quotes are from pages 47-48 in his book.

“Too much work, the British used to say, makes Jack a dull boy. But it’s worse than that. It numbs Jack, parches Jack, hardens Jack. It kills his heart. When we get too busy, everything becomes either a trudge or a scramble, the doldrums or sheer mayhem. We get bored with the familiar, threatened by the unfamiliar. Our capacity for both steadfastness and adventure shrivel.

We just want to be left alone.

One measure for whether or not you’re rested enough–besides falling asleep in board meetings–is to ask yourself this: How much do I care about the things I care about? When we lose concern for people, . . .when we cease to laugh . . .when we hear news of trouble . . .and our first thought is that we hope it isn’t gong to involve us–when we stop caring about the things we care about–that’s a sign we’re too busy. we have let ourselves be consumed by the things that feed the ego but starve the soul. (ouch!)

Busyness kills the heart.

And then the moment of reckoning comes–when we must meet the situation with genuine, heartfelt compassion, wisdom, courage and nothing’s there, only grim resignation and a dull resentment that we got dragged into this.

Busyness makes us stop caring about the things we care about. And not only that. Busyness robs us of knowing God the way we might.

In possession of a life that has willed only one thing

I started to read Soren Kierkegaard’s Purity of Heart again today. These are the words that begin his book. Life becomes much simpler when they are followed. Philippians 3:8

Father in Heaven! What is man without Thee! What is all that he knows, vast accumulation though it be, but a chipped fragment if he does not know Thee! What is all his striving, could it even encompass the world, but a half-finished work if he does not know Thee: Thee the one, who art one thing and who art all! So may Thou give to the intellect, wisdom to comprehend that one thing; to the heart, sincerity to receive this understanding; to the will purity that wills only one thing. In prosperity may Thou grant perseverance to will one thing; in suffering, patience to will one thing. Oh, Thou that giveth both the beginning and the completion, may Thou early, at the dawn of day, give to the young man the resolution to will one thing. As the day wanes, may Thou give to the old man a renewed remembrance of his first resolution, that the first may be like the last, the last like the first, in possession of a life that has willed only one thing.

Contemplation

Someone asked me yesterday about the difference between meditation and contemplation. I said that meditation is a reflection upon a text or an event in the Scriptures whereas contemplation is more of a resting in the presence of God following meditation and in the understanding He gives.

St. John of the Cross wrote about this in a much more eloquent way:

“When spiritual persons cannot meditate, they should learn to remain in God’s presence with a loving attention and a tranquil intellect, even though they seem to themselves to be idle. For little by little and very soon the divine calm and peace with a wondrous, sublime knowledge of God, enveloped in divine love, will be infused into their souls.” AMC 2:16:5

Muto summarizes what John is saying in two words:

Don’t worry.” She then says, “If you cannot meditate for all the reasons given, simply remain in God’s presence with loving attention, with a tranquil mind. Even if it seems that you are idle, trust that a deeper stirring is in process. ” Her paraphrase of Teresa of Avila follows, “let nothing disturb you, nothing disquiet you, nothing draw you out of your peaceful contentment. This pacification of soul is after all no small accomplishment.” The Ascent 75

The Dark Night

Read a poem called, The Dark Night by St. John of the Cross again this morning–slowly, carefully, reflectively. There is much here–no wonder he wrote two books on it (Ascent to Mt. Carmel and the Dark Night) I focused on the first two stanzas this morning.

One dark night

Fired with love’s urgent longing

–Ah the sheer grace–

I went out unseen,

My house being now all stilled.

In darkness, and secure,

By the secret ladder, disguised,

–Ah, the sheer grace!–

In darkness and concealement

My house being now all stilled;

Compliments

Why are compliments so hard for me to accept?

I am to think appropriately about myself.

Neither too high, nor too low

but according to the ability God has given.

Instead of receiving a sincere compliment,

graciously, humbly, giving glory to God.

I so easily, so quickly, minimize,

put myself down,

make a joke,

show false humility,

which is really,

pride.

Forgive me Lord for taking away

the glory that belongs to you alone,

when I deny the good work you have done in me.

It’s not about me.

It’s about you.

Right?

How the practice of silence can make us a better person

Yesterday, someone told me how I had become a better listener and have learned to ask wise questions that made them think. This is again, a fruit of God being at work in my life and I trust that in my listening and asking of questions, others also know that I (and God) care(s) about them. Barton explains (on pages 132-33 of her book on Silence and Solitude) how the practice of silence can make us a better person.

“Rather than speech that issues from subconscious needs to impress, to put others in their place, to compete, to control and manipulate, to repay hurt with hurt, we now notice our inner dynamics and choose to speak from a different place, a place of love, trust and true wisdom that God is cultivating within us. Over time we become safer for other seeking souls, because we are able to be with them and the issues they are dealing with without being hooked by our own anxieties and fears. We are comfortable with our humanity, because we have experienced God’s love and compassion in that place, and so it becomes very natural for us to extend love and compassion to others in their humanity.

For all of our piety and activity, we Christians are not always known for our kindness. Sometimes we are downright mean and judgmental. But most, if not all, of our meanness comes out of the places within us that have been unattended and untouched by God’s love. Every broken place that has not been healed and transformed in God’s presence is a hard edge of our personality that slices and dices other people when they bump up against it.

Without solitude, we are dangerous in the human community and in the Christian community because we are at the mercy of our compulsions, compelled by our inner emptiness into a self-oriented, anxious search for fullness in the next round of activities, accomplishments or relationships. When we are not finding ourselves loved by God in solitude, in the company of others we are always on the prowl for ways they can fill our emptiness. We enter life in community trying to grab and grasp from others what only God can give.”

Acknowledging my desires

Disappointment or fear of disappointment really squelches desire! As I am preparing to teach on silence and solitude, I have been skimming through Ruth Barton’s Silence and Solitude. In the following passage, she talks about the importance of acknowledging our desires. For a long time, I was afraid to look within, not sure what I would find. Maybe I was afraid to be alive? Silence and solitude are now an important part of my journey and within these practices, I have found the truth of the following words. Enjoy.

“Many of us are not very good at acknowledging our desire. As Christians we tend to be skeptical and suspicious of desire, for it is easily controlled; experience tells us that desire can be like a quiet little campfire that sparks a forest fire engulfing the whole forest. What if I let myself feel my desire and it gets out of control? What if I begin to desire things I can’t have? How do I live with the pain of unfulfilled desire?

Depending on our experience of wanting things and then receiving them, or not, we may harbor deep-seated fear that we will not get what our heart desperately wants. It can be frightening to allow ourselves to want something we’re not sure we can have, especially if it is something as essential as the presence of God in our lives. In many of us, the fear of not getting what our heart longs for has led us to develop an unconscious patter of distancing ourselves from our desire in order to avoid the pain of its lack of fulfillment.

But the truth is that desire is the life-blood surging through the heart of the spiritual life. You may not realize it but your desire for God is the truest and most essential thing about you. It is truer than your sin, it is truer than your woundedness, it is truer than your net worth, your marital status or any role or responsibility you hold. Your desire for God and your capacity to connect with God as a human soul is the essence of who you are.

Right in the very center of our desire for God is God’s desire for us, pulsating with love and longing. When we feel our desire, we are actually responding to God, because he has already initiated with us.” 50-51

when will i ever learn?

if you are in control

you would think that

i would have learned by now

yet this week

i awake each morning as if i have been in a train wreck

why am I so reluctant

to admit that i worry about

my performance

am i good enough?

will they like me?

can drain the life out of me

bring about enough uncertainty

just enough pause in my step

the smooth flow

is interrupted, jarred

and i thrash about

in vain to find my place

Powerlessness

Being powerless is supposed to be good for me

but it sure feels lousy.

helpless

nothing i can fix

left with prayer as my last resort

loving the sinner not the sin

falling on my knees before you

Anger is supposed to be bad

but sometimes it brings me comfort

as if my anger can bring

enough pain to you to bring about

change.

After awhile, I look inside and

see the darkness

threatening to overwhelm me.

Why didn’t I?

What if?

What bad decisions have I made?

Will I ever learn?

My doubting threatens to

flood my soul like the

floodbanks of the Missisissippi.

guilt lounges on

the edges of my consciousness,

never quite going away,

yet not able to take control.

So the only option left is to let go.

let my troubles fall

out of my hands,

into a chasm of unknowingness.

and yet out of the same icy depth,

a delicate fragrance of hope arises.

will things change?

I don’t know but it’s okay.

I am changed, you remain the same.

so, I can go on another day,

trusting, holding onto you,

clinging as if my life depends on you.

because it does, it always has,

only I forget my own desperation

for you.

powerlessness serving as my reminder

Bad Choices

how utterly foolish I am

to think that I can

choose to sin, and not

suffer consequences,

deadening, although not life-threatening

thirst-quenching yet soul-emptying.

before I choose to go there again,

remind me of your love for me.

no good thing will you withhold.

why settle for something

far less satisfying?

why believe a lie when

I can live in the truth?

why live in guilt and shame

when you offer

life, abundant and free,

a life of eternity that begins now!

Are there no guarantees?

I have been stuck the last few days on Peter’s words in Mark 10:28 when he says, “Look, we have left everything to follow you.” This morning, as I read it, it jumped off of the page at me.

After seeing the disappointment of the rich man and hearing the follow-up words of Jesus, is Peter afraid and has he begun to doubt? Was he afraid that it all might have been in vain? “If a rich man is not guaranteed an entrance into the kingdom of God, I am fearful. We have walked away from everything to follow you, our family, our security, the opportunities that a “normal” person might have. I am not saying that I have regretted giving my life to follow you, but just for a moment, I am not sure exactly what I have gotten myself into.”

Relax Peter says Jesus, I know the truth and the truth of the matter is, that whatever you have left behind for me and for the gospel will be given back to you in abundance, now and in the kingdom to come.

This has always been one of my favorite passages and yet today it connected with me on a gut level that I have not experienced before.  Like Peter, I sometimes wonder if my choices to follow Jesus along this path have been worth it and yet in these verses, I am reassured that He is looking out for my best interests and I receive so much more than I would ever have done had I held onto these things.  Whoever would lose his life for me and the gospel will find it but whoever holds onto his life will lose it.  ok, Lord

Letting go of my children

“What do you think is most important for a 19 year old, David? What was most important to you at that age?” At 52, that was not so easy and yet the answer easily came, “Freedom–to do what I want to do without getting hassled . . .” Not bad but you are missing something. I missed “spending time with friends” which shows that I am out of touch. All Agree on that!!

Here is a poem I later read by Jeanne Murray Walker, from A Deed to the Light This helps me understand this odd mix of feelings inside as I am about to release another one.

To My Son, Off to College

We stand there in our vestibule, me clutching

my car keys, you, your suitcase

me about to recite the names of apples,

winesap, braeburn, etc., the way poets

recite them, then to chant the names

of poets, too, anything you’ll listen to,

stanzas of lightning from red mouths.

It isn’t loveliness I’m after, I can tell you

it’s any damn thing that keeps your hand

from pushing that door open. Though you’re

long gone already. And I know it’s wrong,

when the heart has stopped, to pretend it hasn’t.

Like a taxidermist. No, we’re mixed up

with time, my Love, and poetry, as usual

fails to stop you. You have to go away,

and you may not be back.

I eat one of the apples in your memory,

like a pioneer who’s down to eating seed corn,

the sweet-sour juices running into a future

without you, while a voice tells me

I don’t own you, you were a gift, and

my barbaric unteachable mother’s heart doesn’t get it

thinks, Okay, fine, so you’re gone now,

you’re that much closer to coming back.

Respect the way God is at work in others

Following are some of my reflections after I read Epiphany Manual by Muto and van Kaam

As I seek to provide spiritual direction to others, I need to respect and honor the way God is already at work in the other person and should “never get in the way of the process already in motion in the heart of a person-in-formation.” (14) Rather than seeking to control the process, I was reminded that “Good facilitators let common formation happen.” (22) It is not necessary that I “click” with all the participants; only that I respect and value each participant’s contribution to how the Spirit is at work in the group. My role is to try to discern the spiritual needs of the group.

It is necessary to debunk the notion that spiritual formation-in-common will lead to some special or ecstatic religious experience. Formation should include a commitment to “expose the self-deception that covers up our total dependence on God.” (62) A key point for me is a reminder that “Transformation is a grace only the Spirit can give.” (63)

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Away in a quiet place

A few thoughts from my journal during a personal retreat last week.

After reading a chapter out of Mark Buchanan’s Rest of God, I had to try out what he said.

“Maybe that’s what God requires most from us: our attention. Indeed, this is the essence of a Sabbath heart: paying attention. It is being fully present, wholly awake, in each moment. It is the trained ability to inhabit our own existence without remainder, so that even the smallest things . . .gain the force of discovery and revelation.” 50″It is the simplest thing to pay attention. But, it is easily neglected. . . Stop, Look. Look close. . . Resolve to live this way more often” (56-57)

Good morning Lord—it is amazing what happens when you come away to a quiet place and rest. Lord, thank you for this rest for my soul—being present in the moment—that is what you want me to learn today. Went out for a walk this morning around 6:15 a.m. with my coffee the kind ladies had prepared on my floor—it was coolish so I wore my grey shirt (not smelling too bad since I had to wear it yesterday), my baggy, grey sweatpants, my navy, blue, windbreaker and running shoes—runners. Runners takes me back to phsy ed and my days in Calgary. Lord, thank you for the joy that is in my heart as I remember with fondness my days in Calgary—my time with Bill’s family—a refuge for a young troubled boy, a place of safety to which I could flee. Then, there was Stan S, my wrestling coach and my cross-county coach, both of whom helped me to believe in myself.

Took a walk around the track—a path, really. The cemetery was surrounded by a grey cloud of mist or fog—I wonder what is the difference? It is as if the spirits of the dead sisters had ascended to hold hands around the perimeter of the graves. Skies were bright blue, lit up by the shining sun and the clouds were shaped like a broad smile—was this your favor shining down to me? All this I saw as I sat on a bench after walking thru the woods—enjoying the coolness, just cool enough so that I could see my breath when I exhaled puffs of white air. To my right and to my left were mounds of fire ants that I was very careful not to disturb, lest my solitude be disturbed! A blade of grass, bent over with the weigh of the dew—a drop of water gently balanced on the tip of the grass—the grass bent like a piece of velvet—looking like the Arc de Triumph (?).

The trees—one in front of me—barren, bare sticks without any leaves and yet full of life—dew drops hanging on branches, not quite enough weight to break the water’s surface tension. A bird perched delicately on the tip of a tall, thin branch—perfectly still, no movement from the branch, the bird confident and in no danger of falling.

The four dogwood trees—white buds. The first, barren and only with a few pieces of dried, shriveled, brown leaves from last year clinging on. The next tree—full of tightly coiled buds, waiting to explode. The next—glimpses of a few delicate blossoms beginning to open but yet the tree remaining almost transparent. The last tree—leaves fully out, flowers bursting forth in dazzling white and yet, not fully at its glorious potential.

Coffee? What you drinking—the real stuff or the play stuff? Could I get some breakfast—I didn’t sign up. Sure—you want some eggs? Well, how about some French toast? You a vegetarian? No, not me, you must be thinking about the other David. You eat meat? Sure. What’s your name? Sam. Been here long? Yep, too long!

A sudden urge, a compulsion that I had to write, that I needed my pen and notebook in front of me. Almost running up the 3 flights of stairs to get my writing instruments—I meet Janet arriving for work—we exchange silent greetings. On my way down, I meet Agnes—who tells me that it may be too early for breakfast. So, I say that I have already talked to the kitchen. Wrong thing to say—you are supposed to be silent, you are not supposed to talk to anyone. You shouldn’t talk to the staff. They will take care of you and will bring your breakfast out.

Uh oh—did I get Sam in trouble? I don’t think he would even care—after all if we are living life here, then spoken words can’t be avoided—I guess I violated the rules. Thank you Lord!

The 2 eggs and 3 pieces of bacon arrive along with 4 pieces of French toast—a bit heavy? Will I get sleepy? I don’t want to do so. I want to capture all that You have for me here, Lord.

Am I safe or not?

Why is it that some people seem to be “safe” or “approachable” and others are not? This question is important to me since I tend to be in the latter category more often than not. Surprisingly, some of the writings of the desert fathers (who wrote between 300 and 400) help. I found this in Heaven begins within you by Anselm Gruen. He says, “Gentle persons are attractive to so many people.” (118) I am motivated to continue my growth in Christ and to see what God will do within me since Gruen wrote, “Gentleness and compassion are the criteria of genuine spirituality.” (118) I guess I have a long way to go.

I also tend to agree with Gruen’s comments that young people have not often “come to terms with their own reality” or they have not yet encountered their “shadow side”. However, I don’t think that means that we should not provide spiritual direction to those on the younger side of life. It seems that the type of spiritual formation and direction we offer may need to be different than with those who have a more realistic picture of their own humanity.

In what was probably the most helpful part of the book (chapters 6 and 7), Gruen explains how the desert fathers help us to understand what lies behind the passions of the body, mind and emotions and offered corresponding spiritual practices in battling each of these passions. I need to understand where my own “compassion deficits” lie so that I can better understand my own and other’s struggles as well as offer tools to help in the battles against the flesh.

More public ministry demands more withdrawal into silence and solitude

Following are my own reflection about Pathways of Spiritual Living by Susan Muto.

This small book provides an excellent summary of some of the basics needed by anyone seeking to pursue holiness through spiritual self-direction. “The call to holiness beckons us to return to the basics, that is, to those conditions for fostering single-hearted, awe-filled, grateful abandonment to God’s will, revealed in the midst of our life in the everyday world.” 31 In particular, she addresses silence, listening, reflection, prayer and contemplation.

Since I am at the point of transition and moving from a ministry which involved public recognition to one that seems to be more hidden, her words on page 47 spoke to me. “Perhaps it is God’s will for us to remain in a service that is hidden, but it may also happen that we have to bear, as Christ did, the burden of public recognition and the consequent envy and jealousy it might arouse in others, to say nothing of the pride it could breed in us.” I have only of late discovered that the more the public ministry the more the need to withdraw into silence and solitude.

Silence has been a significant part of my own healing from burnout and so Muto’s encouragement to silence encourages me. Rather than seeing silence as an escape, I can see it as an opportunity for God to be at work, it becomes a place in which I can develop an intimacy with God. Indeed God has used silence to rebuild my fragmented soul. Muto says that everyone needs silence. “To neglect this need is to risk living a tense, fragmented, spiritless life. . . .If we do not nourish our souls, they atrophy as do bodies without food.” 58 However, since many people with which I work find it difficult to get away for longer periods of silence, I need to work with them to see how they can creatively build silence into the structure of their existing lives.

What works and what doesn’t

I am teaching a class on how one develops intimacy with Christ. One person told me that they just wanted to know what works and what does not. here are my first thoughts

What works What Doesn’t

Spirit Flesh

Goodness Evil

Simplicity Simple

Engagement Apathy

Rest Trying harder

Peace Anger

Contentment Worry

Beauty Ugliness

Flexibility Rigidity

Grace Legalism

Liberty License

Community Isolation

Slowness Hurry

Jesus Me

Honesty Falsehood

Truthfulness Pretense

Holistic Fragmented

Reflection Analysis

Humility Pride

Journey Destination

Process Arrival

Growth Stagnation

Nurture Neglect

Letting Go Control

Being called Being Driven

Creativity Boredom

Prayer Anxiety

Trust Doubt

Courage Fear

Perseverance Giving up

An Engaged Heart Intellect alone

Longing Coldness

Surrender Self-Will

Tenderness Harshness

Gentleness Hardness

Imagination Staleness

Patience The bottom line

What gives me joy?

Last week, as I was headed to supper with friends, I asked the question, what gives me joy? Here are a few that I came up with on that 10 minute drive

Lunch with my daughter

Forgiveness

Quiet evening with my wife

Music

Meditating on the Word

Driving with all the windows down in the car

Being outside on a cool morning about to ride a bike, play tennis or go golfing

Friends

A good nights sleep

Seeing that I am being used by God to encourage others

Giving to someone

Small things but life is built upon a series of small events and decisions, is it not?